Tag Archives: short stories

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter VI

I ain’t da four year old… Wolverine is the child! Ima grown ass….

Two year old!

Shut it Harper!

We all laugh.

You are about as bad as CheddaHed is with cupcakes.

Harper and I peek over the cubicles towards the Xerox machine. There was CheddaHed pretending not to hear us.

Man! Like you don’t be checking the same thang I do.

You right!

We all laugh again.

We go back to our perspective cubicles and/or desks and commence the ceremonial dragging of our feet to actually doing work. I log onto my computer, open my Outlook and behind scoffing at the million and three emails I seem to always have in my inbox.

Click… Delete…

Click

Click

Tap

Tap tap tap

Harper, did you answer the email from so and so?

Uh huh did you not get it?

Oh ma bad there it is! Right under the forty thousand other ones. Thanks.

I put my headphones in and settle in for some desk tweaking.

Ding goes my Google hangouts app in Chrome.

It’s Phoenix.

Morning Xa! How are you?

Morning Phoenix! Ooooooh the morning I’ve had so far. How you durn?

Oh? Adventurous? LOUD? Or traffic related?

Oh you know LOUD and adventurous of course.

Whachu do?

LOL why do I always have to do something?

Because you’re related to me and I know you too well.

This is true. But for once I was trying to behave myself. Dat guh was fahn but I couldn’t go down that road today.

*raised eyebrow* you? Behave? Was she curly?

Yes, yes and of course.

And you behaved?

I did Phoenix I promise. I totally didn’t want to cause or get into any trouble today.

LOL today!

Ugh everyone keeps saying that. Am I truly this ratchet and rotten?

Do you really want me to answer that Xa?

Lmfao NOPE! Not in the least bit Phoenix. Okay so enough about your troublesome sibling. How’s you?

Well…

Uh huh what YOU do Phoenix?

So I went to pick up dinner the other night after work. And I was in line waiting and started singing the song playing in the restaurant. Well this fahn piece of chocolate complimented me on my singing. Asked if I was a vocal coach or sung professionally.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaas! I smell one of your novellas coming on.

You’re funny.

Dude, you know you meet all kinds of people all the time and have even better stories about some of them.

This is true.

Okay so what happened with chocolate thunder?

LOL!! Well let me say that chocolate thunder seemed like a youngen.

Ain’t nothing wrong wit that. If you got it flaunt it!

Well I sorta showed my age and said the song that was playing was out when I was a teenager. But without missing too many beats, we just kept talking about old skool music.

That’s awesome. So was CT tall dark and sexy? And are you going to see CT again?

Yeeees and I hope so! CT works at the gelato place a few doors down from the restaurant. And you know how I feel about gelato.

Mmmmm gelato…. Mmmhmm I know cuz I have the same lust for it! hehehehe I think you should go get some after work one day.

Come now you already know I am and will go get some.

*snickering* I’m so incredibly rotten. Mind. In. Gutta!

Your mind is always in the gutta. That ain’t nothing new.

Ma bad I know. evil grin

Phoenix is prolly laughing at me right now.

I can’t wait to hear more of this novella. One of these days I’m need you to write a book about your ahe heh heh “adventures”.

LOL!

Seriously Phoenix. They’re so sporadic and crazy. Definitely worth a shot!

Perhaps…

So CT was cute huh?

Oooh yaaaah!

Phoenix! Come back to me! LOL Phoenix!

Huh what? What happened? LOL

By this time, I was laughing so hard my tummy hurt because Phoenix and I are the same person at times. So I already know the level of trouble this could potentially turn into. For Phoenix’s sake I hope it’s E P I C.

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter V

Cupcakes!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha ugh shut up!

I’m just sayin!

I finished making my Indian joe. CheddaHed grabbed a snack from the vending machine and we walked into the office. Chatty Cathy and his ugly sister were yap yap yapping away about the stupid game they’ve been playing for the last few weeks.

 

CheddaHed gives me that “sonofabitch why can’t they shut up” look to which my response was to roll my eyes as usual and go to my desk.

 

Today was definitely going to be interesting.

With my Indian Joe in hand, I walk the short remaining distance to my cubicle. Ugh I really need to clean up my desk. It looks like a teenager’s room.

Morning Harper Lee.

Hey Xa, how’s it going?

Oh you know me.

Whachu do now?

Why…. Ugh… Don’t go giving me that parental look and tone. You don’t know me.

Oh but I do know you which is why you got the parental tone AND look. Now whachu do?

LOL so wha ha happened was….

Here we go!

Ugh whaaaaat Harper? LOL don’t judge me so soon dang!

Mmmm hmm

Soooo anyway… So there was this girl…

Harper starts laughing just as much as CheddaHed did. I gets no love from the homies today!

She had curly hair didn’t she?

How you know? How do you ALWAYS know? Geeezus I need to stop spilling my guts to you.

Just as I said that here comes Wolverine.

How’s it going?

Xa was just telling me about a curly haired girl.

What’s with you and curly chicks?

I can’t help that I love curly hair. It’s attractive..

But every girl you come across has curly hair.

I dunno! Call it a strange and completely sane fetish!

::raised eyebrows::

What?!

You not normal.

You da one to talk Wolverine.

Whachu mean? I’m perfectly normal and of average size.

Hahahahahahahaha that’s not what she said.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Harper, how do you sit next to Xa?

With headphones of course.

What? I’m not that….

Yes you are that bad. Every time we work together, your filthy mind somehow turns the conversation durty.

Obviously, I’m not the only one cuz you be laughing right along with me.

Hahahahaha that’s beside the point.

You just mad cuz you walked right into that one.

Ugh finish your story already…

Yes! Sorry Harper! So this girl… I met her at the dealer…

Lemme guess she had long light brown curly hair.

Blink

She was a little shorter than you. Very pretty but very girl next door like…

Blink blink

She made you nervous cuz you always get nervous around the curly haired girls especially if they’re the attractive athletic/fit type.

What the fuck? Y’all don’t know me…

Oh but we do. You creature of profuse habit.

I… Ugh but….

::hysterical loud laughter::

Y’all some bustas! What if I told you this girl was different?

Aren’t they always Xa?

Are they? This one tried to seduce me.

Okay maybe she’s different.

Long story short, I left my iDevice case at the dealer when she sat down next to me, she came after me to return it, she propositioned me, said Bae didn’t have to know which is when I snatched the case and ran.

Bae gon geeeeeeeeet you!

Nah Bae ain’t gon get me today, Wolverine. Not today you hur me?!

I grabbed my letter opener and started tapping the desk.

Damn Harper, why Xa always gotta result to violence?!

Because Xa is crazy and deranged like you. Stop acting brand new.

I’m not crazy per se…

::side eye::

Okay maybe a little.

N
E
Ways

Curly was fahn as hell but maaaaaan she was a bit too forward and a bit too willing to rattle my cage.

LOL I bet she was aheh heh heh

Well ya know me homie… aheh heh heh

You two are a mess!

Oh Harper you should be accustomed to us acting up.

Yeah I know like a pair of four year old churrin at a candy store.

I ain’t da four year old… Wolverine is the child! Ima grown ass….

Two year old!

Shut it Harper!

We all laugh.

You are about as bad as CheddaHed is with cupcakes.

Harper and I peek over the cubicles towards the Xerox machine. There was CheddaHed pretending not to hear us.

Man! Like you don’t be checking the same thang I do.

You right!

We all laugh again.

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter IV

Come on elevator ooooooopen already. Finally dammit. Slowest two flight elevator ride EVER!

Have a good day!

Yeah you too see you around.

Not if I see you first McSteamy.

Married spud ma-rr-ied spud! Lawd help me today!

I scurried out of the elevator like a four year old needing to potty. Of all the days for trouble to rear its fugly little head around me! Usually, I’m up for it. Hell usually I’m the one causing it but TODAY… Today I wanted no part of any type of trouble. For once in my damn life, I wanna be good!

like i know what being good actually means anymore!

I make my way to the break room painted in a fugly burnt orange color. Of all the damn colors to paint a damn break room. Nobody cares about UTip!

Since Curly ran me abruptly out of the dealer, I didn’t get to finish my ceremonial cup of joe which means I will have to settle for the shit the company provides. Crack is NOT suppose to make a person cranky and irritable. This mess is a mood changer and not in a good way. Thankfully, there are some crackish rebels who sometimes make quality joe for everyone.

To my dismay, the crackish rebels either were not at work yet, at all or ran out of their stash. I’m not drinking that shit. I refuse! Sigh a nice hot cup of Indian joe it is today. As I was making my Indian joe, the homie CheddaHed walked into the break room.

We give the ceremonial cholo hello.

Wassup!

You on your fifteen already? It’s only 08:50. Oh wait is Chatty Cathy and his ugly sister talking all loud as usual.

::eye roll:: You already know.

Ugh those two chismosos are worse than females at times.

Tell me about it! Chatty Cathy walked in talking up a storm.

It don’t make no damn sense. Don’t he know there are people in the office who like it quiet! I say QUIET!!

Okay!

Sooooo how bout I almost got myself in trouble this morning.

With Bae?

Nope… At the dealer…

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Who was she?

Whoa

whoa

whoa… How you know it was a girl?

Cuz it’s always a girl!

Shut up CheddaHed I learned it by watching you!! Member blonde, heels and booty!

Nu uh you…. Okay maybe…

 

We both laugh.

 

 

N e wayz so there was fahn curly haired girl at the dealer this morning.

Oh! She had curly hair. No wonder you almost got in trouble.

Shut it! Don’t judge me!

You and Harper Lee are some suckas for da curly cues.

Shut. It! Ugh! I can’t help ma self. Anyway so how bout she came to sit next to me after she got her coffee. How bout I never had a heart attack cuz I just knew she was gone be more trouble than I wanted to be in this morning.

 

 

By this time, CheddaHed is laughing at me. As usual.

 

 

Bae gon get you know that right.

Not if you keep yo big mouf shut. You supposed to be on my side member?

Oh! Right! Ma bad continue please. Whachu do?

Ran da fuck out!

Nu uh

Sho did! Packed my shyte and ran up outta thur so fast I left my iDevice case.

 

 

Now CheddaHed is laughing harder.

 

 

Ugh stop laughing mayne this was a mildly traumatizing experience for me!

LOL you’re all dramatic!

Well I haven’t even gotten to the best part!

There’s more to this?

Yep! She chased me down in her cute little Mini Cooper to return my iDevice case.

Wait… Stop! Curly chased you down?! How she know whachu dri…? Never mind your truck is like thunder when it starts how could she not know.

Yep and precisely! We pulled into a parking lot so I could get my case. For whatever reason, she took her sweet ass time to give me back my case. I stared her down like “c’mon already” to which she just smiled seductively and handed it over.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

You won’t be laughing in a minute… She hit on me and said Bae didn’t have to know what we did.

o_O

Yeah that’s what I thought. You ain’t laughing nah huh?

So fahn ass Curly hit on you and you did what?

::snickering:: Ran of course!! I dun told you before I ain’t tryna get in trouble with Bae nor do I want the added drama.

True dat! Damn! You always have something crazy to tell me in the morning. First the peeper at the gym and now Curly.

Yeah I know. Again I learned it from watching you.

Naaaaaaah you ain’t learned that from me!

Cupcakes!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha ugh shut up!

I’m just sayin!

I finished making my Indian joe. CheddaHed grabbed a snack from the vending machine and we walked into the office. Chatty Cathy and his ugly sister were yap yap yapping away about the stupid game they’ve been playing for the last few weeks.

 

CheddaHed gives me that “sonofabitch why can’t they shut up” look to which my response was to roll my eyes as usual and go to my desk.

 

Today was definitely going to be interesting.

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter III

Bae don’t have to know. Trifling ass heffa! I knew Curly would say that. And to that I gave her to rudest side eye, thanked her again for returning my case and hopped in my truck. As I sped away, I could see her still standing at her car. Cute girl. But she woulda been just too much trouble.

damn the story for the homies just got juicier!

As I exited the parking lot, my phone rings. Oh now you fucking go off. Ratchet ass phone! I peeped down and saw it was Sam, my homie from SicEmU. Sam will surely get a kick outta this shit.

Yo dawg.

Waddup homes! What’s crackin?

Same ol shit. Bout to jump on this stupid ass call. McFly always wanna have some sort of call to discuss and recap what we talked about two hours ago.

McFly full of shit you know that.

I know. Wassup wit chu?

Yo homie I just met this fahn ass curly haired broad at the dealer. You aaaalllllready know I’m a sucker for curly hair.

Oh lawd here we go.

Nah nah nah I escaped that shit faster than you can climb on top of Gallo.

Don’t talk shit about Gallo mayne. That’s my boo right thur.

Yeah yeah I bet. Anyway so she call herself sitting next to me at the dealer. Dude I nearly had a heart attack. So much so I had to run up outta there. I left so fast I left my iDevice case behind. And guess what? Curly chased me down to return it to me.

Wait she ran after you dawg? And you… behaved?

Ma bad homie, did you want to attend my funeral tomorrow? Besides ain’t nobody a hoe like you!

You right. So obviously you pulled over so you could retrieve your case. But did something happen that you talking to me now?

That triflin ass heffa tried to put the damn moves on me and then said Bae ain’t gotta know what we do. In my head, I said shiiiiiiiiiiiit you dunno Bae and I ain’t bout ta get kilt over ya hoeish ways. Outwardly, I just hopped in Prime and left. That trick, as you say, was innocent and homely looking wit bad gurl riri ways! No thank you!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha

Yo dawg that shit…. Okay yeah it is funny but shit you know I don’t need added drama to my life.

LOL You sho don’t. Well glad you dodged that bullet. Ima get on this call and holla at you later.

Aight homie. Check ya later.

I arrived at work shortly after I hung up with Sam. As I’m driving into the compound, I notice three of the work homies, Wolverine, CheddaHed and Harper Lee have all arrived to work.

Shit it’s already after 08:20! That means ShawtyLoLo has left the building already. I’ll have to tell that fool my chismes later.

I parked Prime on the other side of the lot next to my friend Trixie. As I was grabbing my shit, Bae messaged me.

Like fucking clock work. You coulda message earlier yo.

hey babe. Just checking on you. Hope you’re okay.

Suriously! You couldn’t have messaged earlier when I was being seduced by the dangerously fahn curly haired girl. Jesus…

yep I’m ok babe. Just got to work.

I finished gathering shit and start my trek to the front door. As I’m walking to the front door, I start thinking about the whole ordeal with Curly. A small part of me was amused by the whole situation because that meant at the ripe of age of thirty-five I still got it!

Ha HA! Play on playa!

On the other side of that, even though I still got that p.i.m.p schwagga, I know I’m all bark and no bite. And I’ve grown up quite a bit from my younger more hoeish days at SicEmU. But lemme be perfectly clur when I say I’d still be a hoe had Bae not come along.

Ugh mushy shit… Gotta nip that shit in the bud now!

08:35. Not bad timing.

Elevator

 

 

Ooooooor the stairs.

 

 

Decisions

 

 

Elevator it is. I’m feeling lazy today.

 

Hey! Hold the elevator.

 

Oh shit please let that not be Curly.

I pushed the door open button and waited for the person to come through.

Any day now. It don’t take that long to punch in.

The voice came around the corner. Whew shit not Curly! Thank you geeeeeeeezzzzuuuuusssss!

BUUUUUUUUUT it was one of the building hotties.

Fuck me now life! Twice in one day really? I’m surely to be dead by tomorrow morning. I’m sure of it!

Sup

Hey

Thanks for holding the door.

McSteamy is talking to meeeeeeeeee! Happy dance! Happy dance!

No prob bob.

Come on elevator ooooooopen already. Finally dammit. Slowest two flight elevator ride EVER!

Have a good day!

Yeah you too see you around.

Not if I see you first McSteamy.

Married spud ma-rr-ied spud! Lawd help me today!

 

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter II

ay dios mio that coulda become sticky. She was fahn tho. Wait til I tell the homies at work.

I sped out of the parking lot almost as fast as I could. All I could think about was how I dodged a bullet by not interacting with the curly haired girl. I know my abrupt departure prolly seemed rude but I ain’t tryna get in trouble with Bae. Y’all just dunno how crazy Bae gets at times and ain’t nobody got time fa dat shiiiiiit.

But at the same time, I couldn’t help but daydream about what a conversation with Curly might sound like. Would we strike a conversation about Apple iDevices? Would we talk about the weather? Or how unusually hopping the dealer was today? Thur wur people e’rywhur Or perhaps about a ma zing ly gawhgeous her eyes were and how I wouldn’t mind peering into them for a longer period of time?

yo Xa seriously!? You know that would be trouble!

I wonder if she uses the dealer’s atmosphere to write too. I wonder if she’s a closeted Stepford bitch or does she always seem like she would be “the girl next door.” Ugh I need to get her outta my mind and focus on something else. Besides it ain’t like I’ll ever see her again.

I drove down the tree lined street with the windows down. I turned up the radio loud and bumped to Partition by Beyoncé.

Yoncé all on his mouth like liquor [×4]
Like, like liquor, like, like, like liquor
Yoncé all on his mouth like liquor [×3]
Like, like liquor, like, like, like liquor

For whatever reason, that song is my shit! I’m not a Beyoncé fan yes I know The Beygency gon come git me but this song makes me wanna shake E’RYTHANG my mama gave me. Without fail, I rolled down my windows and turned up the radio as loud as my ears could stand. I started singing at the top of my lungs while the summer air blew through my short reddish brown “power to the people” fro.

Oh, there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel
Oh, baby, baby be better slow it down
Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up
And we ain’t even gonna make it to this club

I was in mid verse with I heard beep beep coming from the vehicle to the right of me. I could see someone trying to peer into my passenger side window but was failing miserably. I gotta redneck truck yo! Ain’t nobody peeking in.

beep beep

Seriously?! What could this person possibly want?

The light turned green and I sped off down the street. I managed to get far enough ahead to see the car honking at me was a cute little blue Mini Cooper with a white racing stripe. oh ain’t that just cute. The toy wants to race!

At the next light, the Mini Copper rolled up beside me again. This time the driver yelled for me. hey! You! In the redneck truck!

What the fuck?! As far as I knew, I had not crossed into the driver’s lane nor had I attempted that day to run over a random pedestrian. So what in the bloody fucking hell could this person want! In the mist of my rage, I realized the voice was not a dude but a chick.

uh oh! Please don’t let this be Curly! Lawd please let it not be….

I peered over the side of my right window and who do I see smiling at me — the curly haired girl from the dealer. o_O fuuuuuuuck meeeeee!!!!!! I’m a married spud guh! Stop taunting me!

heeeeey I have something of yours

No she don’t.

Bag in the passenger seat.

Lunch box in the back seat.

iPhone in the carrier.

Nope she ain’t got shit. But for good measure, I rummaged through my bag and noticed I didn’t have my iPad case which by the time I discovered what i was missing, she’s holding it up high enough for me to see. is this what I get for running away from a pretty girl?

I lowered my window and asked her to follow me to the grocery store parking lot just up the street. She winked at me and complied with my request. oh fuck no! Even her winks are sexy as hell!! I’m officially in trouble!

We slowly pulled into the parking lot. I hesitated getting out of my truck. I didn’t want to talk or face or even be next to Curly. Once was awkward enough.

I jumped down from my truck and walked around to the front. member to make this quick, Xa, cuz yous a married spud.

She took a minute to get out of her car. Like that ain’t suspect! Finally, she exits her Mini Cooper and she looks just as beautiful and sexy as she seemed not even ten minutes ago at the dealer. I let out a heavy oh-my-fucking-gawd sigh. Every part of me wanted to tell her to just keep the case for herself. I could always find another one or just use the Speck case I already have.

But my dumb ass didn’t move. As usual my mind and body were not on the same wavelength. not the time to be outta sync mind and body! Feet move! Move bitch lets get out da way!!

Nope. Nada. Zilch! body you can be such a fucking dude sometimes

She walked slowly towards me. Every step seemed to take fitty million years. Every step made me even more nervous than the previous. As I she came closer, I kept hoping and praying my phone would ring and I’d have to answer.

Nope.
No calls.
Seriously?!

She finally reached me with my case underneath her arm. why is she not extending it out to me? Look hur you PYT I ain’t got no money to be paying yo ass off for a stupid case.

hi

sup

At this point, I’m slightly annoyed because I hoped this would be over in a jiffy. She’s trying to make small talk and I needs ta go!

look thanks for bringing me my case. That was really nice of you! Hand extended to receive a case that was still underneath her arm.

She looked down at my extended hand then at my case. oh! Ma bad here’s your case

I quickly turned around to start walking back around to the driver’s side door. She followed.

hey I was wondering if we could meet at the dealer some time.

There it was. The invitation I didn’t want to receive. ggggggeeeeeeezzzzzzuuuuuuuusssss now I gotta find a new dealer location. Ugh! The others are bougie!

I don’t think that will be possible. Bae would not appreciate me spending time with you and lawd know I don’t need Bae getting all bent outta shape over you.

Bae don’t have to know. Trifling ass heffa! I knew Curly would say that. And to that I gave her to rudest side eye, thanked her again for returning my case and hopped in my truck. As I sped away, I could see her still standing at her car. Cute girl. But she woulda been just too much trouble.

damn the story for the homies just got juicier!