Bees in the Tramp

There are several types of hoes.

There’s the hoe’s hoe. This is a hoe that fucks around for shear fact of fucking around. This gal or guy loves sex. Like luuuuuuuuvs sex. He or she is careful about who the fuck buddy is and how many to keep around at any given time. A hoe’s hoe understands that he or she may not be the other persons sole fuck buddy. He or she also understands the necessity of having protection on them at all times and the importance of getting tested every three to six months.

There’s a T H O T. Pronounced like thought. According to Urban Dictionary, T H O T stands for that hoe over there. T H O T is by no means one of those words that should be taken as a compliment. If you’re called a T H O T, yous a nasty hoe. You the hoe nobody wants to touch wit a ten foot pole. No amount of or even strength of contraceptive is enough to fuck wit a damn T H O T. NO TING AT ALL MAYNE!

Then there’s a thirsty hoe. A thirsty hoe tries too fucking hard to be everything and anything for the fuck buddy of the day, week or month. A thirsty hoe wants to be with someone so bad that he or she will fuck anybody who shows even the slightest ounce of attention. Thirsty hoes don’t always see the writing on the fucking wall. More often there are bright red gargantuan flags waving in they damn face but yet so so supposedly loves him or her. No bitch not even close. Yous a T H O T wit too much damn ambition.

The homie Sam and I know this thirsty T H O T who fancies herself as a hoe’s hoe but that bitch ain’t even close. We’re gonna call her Roper, for reasons you will soon understand. If I remember Roper correctly, she’s a shawt sorta stocky broad. Sweet as pie but dumb as fuck when it comes to fuckin’ around. Here lately Sam’s stories about her have been everything short of logical.

For example, let’s start with Tree Rompus. 

Dawg have I told you about Roper’s latest adventure?

Do I really wanna know? After the Fast Keys Eddie, I can’t bear to hear anything else about this hoe. 

I have to tell you dawg because it confuses me and I need to know I ain’t crazier than I already am. 

It’s that serious huh? Fine what and I use that term loosely she do nah?

Well she met this dude online. She say he got money and a nice house. 

Here we go. 

Dawg it gets better.

Fuck!

She met him after only talking to him for a couple of days. AND when she met him he wasn’t exactly the age posted on his profile. 

Please stop this. I’m already spent with her.

Wait man just lemme finish 

Jesus lawd why do I love a good chisme 

Anyway…. So she went over to his house the other day. He met her outside. And led her into the back yard. 

Oh hells naw you can stop this story nah dawg cuz I already know where it’s leading. Why is Roper do damn stupid?

Zxactly my thoughts when she told me about it the other day. But wait it gets better. He’s apparently a freak nasty old fucker cuz he asked her if he could tie her up. S&M type shit.

But they in the backyard dawg?! Where da fuck would he… (Dramatic Pause) Oh hell da fuck naw! No bitch why is she so stooooopid?!?! You need better hoe friends.

Precisely my damn point. I wanted to crawl over the table and smack her dumb thirsty T H O T ass. 

She asked no questions? Said hey this is a little too freaky deeky? Certainly some sorta red flags were waving right?! RIGHT?!?!

Nope

Nada

Zilch

Dawg, please find better hoe squad members. This shit is too triflin’ for me right now. 

You see what I deal wit?!

You wouldn’t have to if you’d cut these hoes loose.

Soooo what you thank? 

 

Planes, Trains and Tricks

The homie Sam is a hoe’s hoe. She’s one of dem hoes you high five every now and then because you’re both amazed and shocked at her hoeing capabilities and conquests.

I sometimes feel as if Ludacris wrote his song Area Codes just for Sam cuz I’m almost positive she’s turned tricks in almost every city she’s traveled to in the last few years. Now don’t get it twisted, I ain’t hatin’ on da homie. How could I? Her debaucherous adventures are not only entertaining but too good to even believe.

For example, last week, this bitch decided she was going to hook and fuck herself a youngen. They’re always of  legal age folks she ain’t no pedophile

I’m so sore.

You took Gallo for a spin again huh?

Shut up hoe! Gallo was two weeks ago. I saw one of my Cubs over the weekend.

So which one was it this weekend… T.I. The hair puller. Durty 30. Vanilla Swirl. 

NOBODY ASKED YOU PATRICE! Fuck you dawg and your damn names for my conquests. 

Hahahahahaha ma bad dawg I’m just trying to keep up!

Bitch ass hoe I can’t stand you! 

Lmmfao what I say dawg? So was it a regular or someone new?

It was Durty Durty 30. Mmmm what a fahn YUNG and HUNG specimen he was. Lawd have murky the thangs he could do wit his….

Eh yo dawg! Come back to reality Rowdy Rosie! 

GTFOH dawg. I was just reminisckin about his luscious and rock solid…

Here we go! Lemme know when you outta ya trance.

Love this bitch to death but she’s so fucking graphic with her descriptions that she forgets she’s at work or in front of folks when she’s talkin me. I have to insult her in order to get her mind right. It’s like listening to a porno or some shit.

I’m done dawg my dawg. You know I love being a nasty whore. 

Yeah negro I know! I know!

So anyway, we went for dranks and appetizers at a joint like the one I took you to in Irving. Then we found a secluded garage and I rode his ass from here to next Thursday. 

Again in a fucking garage dawg? You and your public displays of ratchet whoreridness. Cheeky bitch that’s why ya old ass is sore. 

Thanks maw! 

What happened to cheap motels and HOtels? What happened to going back to his or yo place? LMFAO you’ve always been an exhibitionist. 

Duty called dawg. Plus it wasn’t that kind of party. He’s the one minute man. Get in. Get off. Get out! 

Fucking bitch I can’t stand you. Hahahahahahaha

Too ratchet? 

Naw negro just up yo alley literally!

I swear Sam’s a pimp. She has to be mayne… I don’t know anyone… NT1 sound it out folks that will randomly state I feel like being a whore in the middle of a conversation. Who da fuck does that but Sam?

My friends are best ain’t they?!

 

#tobecontinued

Phoenix, Da Son and Some BBQ

It had been having one of those weeks. Folks were being asininely ratchet for no good damn reason and the weather in Texas had gone beyond its usual level of schizophrenia. Phoenix was not in a mood to be dealing with either and was two “I don’t give a fucks” away from going straight up hood rat AMG wit chanclas. Don’t trip we all know one! 

Thankfully for everyone around her, Phoenix received urgent news the previous Friday she needed to be in the valley not the valley in Cali but in Texas oh me gee Becky in a few days, which would mean the following Wednesday. It was gon be a scramble to get shit “situated” so she could go without any questions. Even though she informed the appropriate people, I imagine the underlying tone of the notification to be this “I’m out. You no likey I do not cur!” Drop da mic and sashay away RuPaul style.
Este babosos no saben nada a mi vida.

Something good needed to come from this last minute “lemme at least make sure I gotta clean pair of drawers wit me” type of trip. I should prolly mention this ain’t no quick wham bam thank you ma’am type of trip. It takes at least six or seven hours to get to the valley. 

6 to 7 hours dawg! Da fuck?!?! And not that doesn’t account for traffic heading outta the H.

It ain’t as fugly as driving to El Paso but shiiiiiiiiiit one might as well keep on to El Paso cuz this trip is brutal. Your eyes go cross eyed after seeing the same cactus every so many miles. Your right butt cheek falls asleep at least a thousand times. And I swur the tumbleweeds hablen en español. Ya tu sables que es cierto!

I talked to her while she was driving.

Oyes hermana! Como estas?

Cansada ‘manita. Hizo bastante cosas hoy! Necesito una Corona, un limón y una alfombra. 

She sounded like she was gon have some explicit pillow talk wit the bed at the place she was staying the night. It was already 20 minutes past 20:00 and she still had at least another hour maybe hour and a half to go. Such a fugly fuckin trip! She finally arrived to her destination about an hour and a half later. 

The next morning seemed to run longer than listening to a long winded Southern Baptist minister’s sermon during Sunday service. She had a few hours to kill in the afternoon, so she decided to stop into the local BBQ joint before heading back to the city.

If you’ve never been to Texas, there’s one thing to understand… We bond over authentic perfect smoked Texas BBQ. I don’t cur where you from or how good your BBQ is even though I’m sure it’s the shiiiit there ain’t nada like genuine smoked overnight tender brisket, juicy fall off da bone ribs and homemade smoked sausage from Texas. And don’t get us started about tradition end BBQ side dishes. Potato salad. Cold dill pickles. Baked beans preferably with bacon. Grilled Texas toast. And maybe a cobbler or a pie.

So damn hongry right now.

Phoenix is one of those people who never seems to encounter a stranger. No matter where she goes or who she’s around, people gravitate to her. I imagine people flocking to her for the shear fact she is Phoenix and Phoenix is she. So I wasn’t surprised when Phoenix told me she struck up a conversation with a nice older gentleman sitting down the way (maybe a a chair or two) from her.

How are the ribs?

Oh, they’re mighty fine young lady. Just fallin off the bone. (Imagine that Matthew McCounauhey drawl)

I was going to get some but I opted for the brisket and sausage which are equally delicious. 

They sho smell like they’re mighty tasty.

The older gentleman and Phoenix continue their covenrsation while licking they sauce laced fangas and smacking their lips loudly and joyously like they ain’t never ain’t a thang in their lives.

Again, Phoenix is one of those extremely down to earth, outgoing and laid back people who often surprises people with her knowledge of sports in particular football. To be more specific #CoogNation football. Whachall know bout scarlet red and albino white down thur in the H?! It wouldn’t surprise me if somehow the conversation led to sports but in case it went straight to left field.

The older gentleman, we’ll call him Bob, asked Phoenix if she was from or lived in the area. She said her family was from the Valley but she actually lived in H-town. Bob’s eyes suddenly got big and had a glimmer of mischief. Older folks and mischief are a crazy combination. One can never be too sure what’s going through their minds at any given moment. Thank GAWD Phoenix is fluent in detecting mischief and getting into and sometimes causing trouble. She picked up on his debauchery and played along with the conversation.

Are you single young lady?

Mental side eye… Yes sir, I am single.

Bob cocked his head to the side, raised an eyebrow and smiled even more deviously.

What in the hell is this man up to? Damn this brisket is so gooood! *squirrel* 

Bob probed more about Phoenix and what she likes to do in her spare time. In typical Phoenix fashion her answers were cryptic and short but gave enough information to satisfy Bob. Then this witty old man leaned back in his chair. Took out his handkerchief to wipe his brow. He let out a big sigh and sat there for what seems like forever and then said…

I have a son that lives in Houston too and I think you two would hit it off.

Is this man suriously tryna pimp his son out to me? 

Bob described his son as a handsome chap who indeed had a well paying job and his own home, as if he knew that would somehow be two of Phoenix’s requirements. He also mentioned that his son liked sports just as much as Phoenix. Is this really happening right now? Weird shit always happens to me!

But she went along with it. Why the hell not? You only live one right? They exchanged business cards with accurate real contact information.

They continued talking and bonding over the scrumptious Texas BBQ. Phoenix finished her lunch and packed up her belongings and thanked Bob for the interesting and entertaining conversation.

Have a nice afternoon little lady. 

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter VIII

Fuck yea there’s more everything where this job is concerned. And the best part….

NO MUTHA FUCKIN MCFLY!!!

You daaaaaaamn right!

Well keep me posted homie.

Will do dawg… Oh. Well. Fuck. Mcfly alert. I can never get a break from this bitch. Lemme go handle her ass and I’ll message you when I hear something.

Aight…

 

 

Mcfly gon find herself abruptly without an employee if she don’t get her act together. It’s unfortunate but you just can’t treat people like shit and expect them to be loyal fo-ev-a.

I suppose I should actually do some work today but as usual I don’t wanna!

Harper, you talk to Shawty Lo lately?

Nah it’s been a few weeks.

I meant to send an email but I keep forgetting.

Set a reminder. Or do it now while it’s fresh on your mind.

This is why I keep you around Harper. LOL

Nah you keep me cuz you’d be lost without me.

That too!

Tap
Tap

Click
Click

Waddup Shawty Lo! How’s it hangin’? Haven’t seen or talked to you in a minute. Hope alls well and you ain’t tried to ahem hurt nobody on the overnights. Holla at me when you get a chance. Xa

Okay done. Thanks Harper!

Anytime…

 

FUCK! Why is it already 11:30? Shit! Lemme stop bullshittin and do some work!

 

 

Ugh today is going to be one of those fuck it days. I have absolutely no desire to be productive or do anything but watch videos on YouTube and do some desk chair twerking.

I pity the person who wants me to do any kind of work today cuz they ain’t gettin shiiiiiit outta me. At least nothing of quality.

So I put my Skullcandy earphones in and turned on some Pitbull. Papi chulo will get me going this morning fo sho.

Ahora que si, esa hevita esta enterita tiene tremendo CULO!
esta tan linda, esta tan rica, tiene tremendo CULO!
que rica chiquita, pero que importa si tiene tremendo CULO!
Has me el favor y meneate chica tienes tremendo CULO!

 

¡DALE!

Oh it’s a Pitbull kinda day huh Xa?!

Huh? Whachu say Harper?

You’re screaming ¡Dale! again. You listening to Pitbull again.

Hahahaha uh huh I have to stop singing out loud so much!

Bored?

No just feeling restless and lazy. Thinking about the whole ordeal with Curly.

Why?! You said you weren’t tryna get in trouble today.

I ain’t. Just thankin ya know?

Uh huh don’t get carried away nah. You know you prone to gettin in trouble.

I know Harper I know.

I couldn’t help but think about it tho. Shit like that don’t happen that often. I’m cute and all but fahn ass girls like that don’t talk to me. She reminded me of so many people rolled into one beautiful and curvy package.

FUCK! I didn’t even check to see if my jump drive was in my case. I reached over to my bag, pulled out my iDevice case and opened it.

When I went to open it, I noticed there was a piece of paper with writing on it. I pulled the piece of paper out and placed it to the side. I’ll come back to you in a sec.

I dug further into the case and found the jump drive. whew! I really need to start putting this thing in my bag instead of my case.

I looked over at the note. The handwriting wasn’t recognizable so it had to be Curly’s handwriting. It damn sho wasn’t Bae’s.

As I reached over to take a closer look at the note, I hear click clack rhythm of Cupcakes’ heels.

Fuck! I don’t like her tone. Hard and quick ::snickering:: that’s what she said steps. She must be pissed off about something.

Fuck fuck fuck!! I sat motionless trying to figure out which way she was going. I really don’t like her tone!!! That shit thur is skerry!

I sat up slightly and peeped slyly over my cubicle wall. Where she go? Her door is open and office lights are on. Mutha fucker she in ninja mode. Greeeeeeeaaaaaat!

 

I quickly IMed CheddaHed.

Yoooo homie!

Suuuuup!

Other chat plz.

Aight…

Waddup yo

Where Cupcakes go?

She hur?

Lmao damn dude you never notice shit until it’s in yo damn face.

Ma bad!

Ugh c’mon dude I need you to pay attention. I heard da tone in ya girl’s walk.

That’s what that was. Shit I heard that too.

Smh you heard that but didn’t see her. You’re sitting at the station by her door today.

I know but you know my attention span.

::rolling my eyes:: ugh I know. As usual you ain’t no dern help.

Hahaha ma bad I’ll keep my eye out for her. Or maybe I’ll just go in there and keep her company.

The hell you will! Yo ass needs to stay where Wolverine can keep an eye on you. You go in thur you gon try to boo up.

You don’t…. Okay so maybe you right. Don’t judge me.

Smh your affinity for power and heels is dangerous you know that right!?

Yeah I know. Aheh heh heh.

Ratchet ass!

IMG_0123.JPG

Hahahahahahahaha I really can’t stand you right now!

Hahahaha What I do?!

We dun here!

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter VII

I can’t wait to hear more of this novella. One of these days I’m need you to write a book about your ahehe heh heh “adventures”.

LOL!

Seriously Phoenix. They’re so sporadic and crazy. Definitely worth a shot!

Perhaps…

So CT was cute huh?

Oooh yaaaah!

Phoenix! Come back to me! LOL Phoenix!

Huh what? What happened? LOL

By this time, I was laughing so hard my tummy hurt because Phoenix and I are the same person at times. So I already know the level of trouble this could potentially turn into.

For Phoenix’s sake I hope it’s E P I C.

Phoenix and I continue to talk about random things as well usually do.

As I’m talking to Phoenix, a message from Sam pops up.

Mcfly alert! Mcfly alert!

Good gawd what could she have done now.

Waddup dawg?! What that triflin ass hoe do NOW?

What didn’t that bitch do?

True. True…

So check it.. how bout she tried pinning yet another one of her fuck up’s on me. And how bout the fuck up she made was due to the project management group two weeks ago.

Hold up dawg! Two weeks ago?!

Oh no this shit gets better…

it can’t get better.. this shit has cluster fuck written all over it.

How bout she asked me to lead another bullshit conference call about some shit I have no background on that prolly could have been easily talked about in the last bullshit conference call at 09:45 this morning.

Um #chokeamuthafuqnhoe! When da fuck you gettin out from under that hoe. (no pun intended)

Xa, you know I’ve been applying for shit left and right and hoein myself out to companies more than I do for sex.

Yeah dawg I know. I know. Speaking of… have you heard from that one company you were really excited about?

Fuck nah! I even sent that damn inquiry you red marked pillaged me about.

LMAO! I dun told you I’m a writing nazi.

You sho da fuck are asshole!

I’m just tryna make you look good dawg! What about that restaurant chain you interviewed with? The one your non-sexual sugarboo hooked you up with?

Oh shit dawg I didn’t tell you. So the hiring manager was more hype than red bull giving a n***a wings.

LMMFAO nu uh dawg shut up.

Nah fa realz dawg… She talked so fuckin fast I didn’t know what was up from down left from right.

Perhaps Red Bull should lay off the sauce mayne. That or get on some hard liquor.

Nah dawg she ain’t on red bull. She gots meds to take.

Oh well fuck! You went from a crazy clueless airhead bitch who dunno shit to a psycho! That’s just greeeeeeat!

Shut up Xa Red Bull seems chill. Far better than Mcfly.

Sam! C’mon nah! You know ain’t nobody is worse than Mcfly. Well except that drug dealer loving always wanna be on a random piece of chocolate hoe in the desert office.

Ain’t that the damn mutha fucking truth. That nasty dumbass is a piece of fucking work and I’m NOT looking forward to seeing that hoe when I go see the homies in a couple of days.

Make sure to take some Lysol when you go dawg. Disinfect E’RYTHANG that hoe touches.

You sho mutha fuckin right! Let me add that shit to the list nah!

LOL so back to the restaurant interview. What’s next in the process? This was the second interview right?

Yeah dawg it was the second and the HR person is supposed to call today to lemme know where I stand. Everyone on the interview panel seemed impressed with me and the mock ups I presented during the first interview.

My dawg! Gettin’ the fuck off the plantation.

Well, I’m still the only darkie in the bunch but they seem to love a n***a so who am I to say no right?

You sho right dawg especially if there’s a chance to make more and have more creative freedom.

Fuck yea there’s more everything where this job is concerned. And the best part….

NO MUTHA FUCKIN MCFLY!!!

You daaaaaaamn right!

Well keep me posted homie.

Will do dawg… Oh. Well. Fuck. Mcfly alert. I can never get a break from this bitch. Lemme go handle her ass and I’ll message you when hear something.

Aight…