Tag Archives: self-discovery

Conversations with My Brother

My oldest brother called me the other night.

it isn’t out of the ordinary for us not to talk for weeks or months at a time. I have the same sort of relationship with one of my sisters. Months will go by and one of us will call or text and it’ll feel like we just talked the day or two days before. No time lost whatsoever.

But the phone call I received the other night wasn’t entirely one of those conversations. My brother is going through some thangs. Of course these unexpected life obstacles aren’t anything my brother and sister in law have not gone through before. There have been lays off. Odd jobs. Bills needing to be paid. My brother acting like a complete asshole cuz apparently that family temper is in ALL of us.

My brother is a fighter. My sister is his ride or fucking die. And yet my brother still feels an enormous void in his heart. He misses his younger siblings. He misses us to the very core of his soul. He loves us more than he can even explain. I can’t explain enough how much my brother yearns for family. He yearns to have his daughters have a relationship with their auntie and uncles. He yearns to be able to call our little brothers and shoot the shit. He yearns to be able to knock me around like most asinine asshole older brothers do. He wants to be included in our lives. And while that’s great and all, we both know that at the end of the day it might just be me and him.

See my younger brothers, as much as I love them too, don’t always acknowledge they have older siblings. Sigh it isn’t anything I can explain or comprehend the who what when why ano how of where the possibility of having a solid sibling relationship even went. But hearing my oldest brother cry like a baby about needing that relationship and that bond really hurt. Not because he made me feel less than important on the sibling totem pole but because I’ve felt that same sentiment all my life.

I’ve mentioned before that my younger siblings grew up differently than my oldest brother and I. It’s not their fault. Nor is it the fault of their mom. It just happened that way. My step mom is a talented and accomplished singer. She fought hard for her career and to be where she is now in life. I get that wholeheartedly and I hope to God she continues to have a rewarding career and life.

But there’s always a damn but as often as my younger brothers talked to my oldest brother while they were growing up…. As much as they spent time together… As little time as it takes the guys to get to each other’s house today… They don’t reach out to the oldest and I. And that pains my oldest brother to no utter end. It pains him to be and feel “alone.” It pains him to be going through life’s trials and tribulations without them or even me.

I wish I could make my younger brothers understand how my older brother and I feel. I wish so many things for my brothers and I that I cannot make come true because I’ve come to grips with the fact that I can’t make my brothers get along with each other or with me. I can’t force my younger brothers to be our brothers in actuality and not in name. I just can’t. I can hope and pray that one day they’ll want us around but until that day comes if it E V E R fucking comes all I really have is hope and all my oldest brother has is me which in my opinion is the best option he got.

Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee 

Writer-vation: Milestone Monday

I can hardly believe it’s been five years since I started this blog. Geez time has flown by so quickly.

In five years, I’ve written almost 250 post; which I hope to double that number sooner rather than later; and have gained over a hundred followers; which, I have to say, shocks me every time I look at my blog stats.

I never really imagined even having that many followers much alone posting so many post because well I’m lazy as fuck. As you all know, I’m really sporadic when it comes to posting. I really don’t adhere to one particular topic nor do I follow any sort of writing/blogging/grammar rules. I write cuz I am in the mood or cuz I happen to be motivated by something.  I suppose one could say I’m museless. is that even a word “museless” ni modo Ima roll wit it.

I could and prolly should write more to perhaps invigorate my creative writer’s mind but it takes effort. I dunno I’m at a point again in my writer lifetime where I’m blocked mentally and emotionally. I find myself having more than enough to say just not enough time or motivation to write. But what else is new?

So with that said, I would like to say thank you thank you to those who have signed up to witness the most random weird madness that is my writing, life and blog. Please feel free to drop a line or two in the comment section. I hope you guys stay aboard the crazy train.

 

Thanks for reading…

 

the southern yankee

Happy New Year!!!

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It’s a new day and a New Year!

Every year I say I’m going to make a resolution or two but let’s be honest, how many people really make good on their resolutions? Not I said the fly. Or me said the flee! So I’m not. I’m not going to waste my time or yours telling you about the resolutions that I’ll more than likely break in a month.

What I will say is this: I’m going to try harder. Not at any one given thing or aspect of my life but just in general.

I’ve learned over the last year, it isn’t about winning the war but getting through the battle. I also learned I have to learn when a battle is worth the impending war. Meaning not every battle is meant for me to fight. Sometimes I just need to let go and let God. but y’all know I’m stubborn tho right?!

Which means I have to learn that I can’t control everything. I can’t have the mentality of “it’s my way or the fucking highway!” I just can’t anymore. The more I try to control every situation the bigger the possibility of me getting my little feelings hurt. I’ll also lose sight of what matters most and honestly I can’t afford to lose that viewpoint.

So here’s to the New Year! Thank you again and in advance for falling me on this crazy foul mouthed journey! Hope you all had a safe and wonderful New Year’s Eve and a great first day of 2015.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

The Adventures of Daredevil and Gemini

Today is a very exciting day for me. Well prolly more so for the two young ladies in my featured image than for me. But I’m excited nonetheless!

Today ladies and gentlemen, my APO littles, Daredevil and Gemini, make their return to the states from a semester long, 18 country 16 city study abroad adventure. They left me…. I mean they left the states on August 20th to fly to London which is where their adventure began. From there, they set off to divide and conquer THE WORLDinsert pinky and the brain cartoon theme song here

Throughout their journey, I have slightly been a nervous wreck. Yaaaaaaas slightly! I won’t tell you how worried I really was because one of them reads my blog. LOL I can already see her laughing and shaking her head at me which they both do quite frequently. They’ll say laughing “oh big.” To which I’ll reply in my big tone I cannot help myself.

It’s true! I worry about all my littles actually. I’ve lost touch with a few of them but doesn’t mean I don’t think about them often. But like most things, that’s for a different more drunken beyond emotional roller coaster breakdown type of post. trust me I’m saving your liver

Daredevil just messaged me about 40 minutes ago to say she’s in America!! I haven’t heard from Gemini yet. When she emailed last night, she mentioned not having a phone which worries me but she said she’d have one once she’s home so I will be impatiently waiting to hear from her.

I’m so dern happy about my babies yaaaas I call them my babies being stateside. It feels like they’ve been away for longer than four months. I wonder how much they’ve grown mentally and emotionally. If people think going to college does things to a person, I can only imagine what being on a ship for that long would do. I’m fairly certain both have changed quite a bit but hopefully they haven’t changed so much that “home” doesn’t quite seem like “home.”

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They fly out tomorrow morning for Texas and both are so incredibly excited to be back. Daredevil’s boyfriend is prolly more excited than I am to have her back in the city. I’m fairly certain that he might just sequester her for a while more like a week or three lol which is cute and understandable. So I will be patient.

Well, if you read this girls, have safe travels and please be careful. ❤ big

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee