I Came Here to Bitch

My mother sent the snarkiest most sarcastic email to me today. sometimes I wonder what i did to deserve my family. Granted, I’m proud to be a member of this family because my Papa was the mutha fuckin shit! buuuuuuut honestly, this whole passive aggressive shit they’ve dished out to me my whole damn life i’m almost fucking FORTY years old!!! yet I’m the one who needs/should cater to them forever and always.

Why? Why do I have to continue to make people happy who never seem to care whether or not I’m happy? it’s fucking September! My daughter will be 18 years old next Saturday and there’s nothing i can possibly do without opening a can of worms neither she or i are even ready to smell at this point.

I miss my kid with every fiber of my being. I’ve asked for updates. pictures. news even. hell i wouldn’t care if they told me that she took a poop. they promised so much and i got nada. and i know i made the choice to give her up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. i honestly and naively thought that i would be able to see her grow without anything “weird” happening between me and my family but it got weird. they got weird. and i walked away. hardest most depressing decision outside of giving her up i’ve ever made in my fucking life. and guess what?!?!?!?! i regret it all. as selfish as this sounds, i really do regret it. but hindsight is 20/20 and here we are 17 years, 11 months and 22 days later.  yeah i know I’m crying wolf waaaaaaay too late.

At what point, does this thing get easier?

I don’t ask for anything. I don’t want anything. all i want is this pain to go away. all i want is an opportunity to have the family I’ve wanted and needed my entire life. but as “in a perfect world” as that sounds, I know I won’t have that with my mother’s family. I know that perhaps my presence is to show face and appear like everything is kosher and copacetic, when we all know the truth.

I felt it when i went to visit my mother and her husband a few months ago and i feel it now. the mom i want(ed) her to be will never be. She will always be the church mother who dishes out scripture and “just pray about it” for advice. She’s the church mother who has to be involved with missionary work, bible study, the choir, the deaconesses, the women’s auxiliary and everything else. Just. like. Grandma.

Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will share a glass of wine with me on our birthdays? Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will comfort me when I’m feeling like shit? Is it too much to ask to just have a fucking conversation without her shutting down or brushing me off?

To be honest, for her, I think I am asking too much. Before I hit 6th grade we were two peas in a pod. Before Papa died I had the mom i wanted and needed. Something happened. And I have no idea what.

sigh…

Thankful

The holiday season is not exactly my favorite time of the year.

I could list a million and one reasons why I really don’t care for the holiday season; however, that would overshadow the reasons why I’m thankful to even be able to celebrate said holiday season that I dislike so much.

First of all, I’m alive and well. There are a couple of instances in my life that could have been the end of my life completely.

Secondly, boo and I have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, money to pay bills, vehicles that function properly, a bed to sleep in and jobs that keep us from worrying where our next paycheck and meal will come from.

Thirdly, I have my family. Maybe not all of my family like I so desperately need and want but I do have friends who keep grounded when I get outta line.

And lastly, I have my God because without him or her, I would not have the above three things. We may not have the best of relationships but I know where I stand with him or her. I know that my life would be different if I failed to acknowledge there is something bigger and greater than I and everyone else in the world.

I think sometimes we take for granted the people, places and things we already have in our lives. I don’t necessarily have to have the latest and greatest in technology or in electronics or in fashion. I don’t have to attend the most expensive school even though I did for undergrad but that’s another post to prove my worth to a company or even my current manager.

Life isn’t about having everything. Doin it up big and bad ass. Being envied to no end.

Life is about being who you are for the sake of existing. For making the best of what you have but not letting it dictate your present or future. It’s about being thankful for what you got, what you’re about to get and for what you could have if you just work a little harder and smarter.

I don’t mean to be preachy. I’ve just learned that instead of fretting the small things… I should appreciate and be grateful they exist.

Happy Thanksgiving Week and Holidays to you and yours!

Thanks for reading…

 

The Southern Yankee