Dearest Daughter: 18 years 1 month 21 days

My dearest dearest Daughter,

I know I know.. I’m more than a month late writing this letter.

How was your birthday? Did you do anything exciting or out of the ordinary? I don’t really remember my 18th birthday. I’m almost positive my friends and I celebrated at one of their houses. Hopefully, you had a wonderful and fun-filled birthday.

I wanted to send you a care package for your birthday and senior year but my fear of your parents not giving the package to you overcame me. The fear of it being too much too soon and not on your terms was also a factor. Please know I think of you DAILY! That there isn’t a moment that I don’t wonder about you. Who you are? What your likes and dislikes are? If there are aspects of our personalities that are the same? I have so many questions and yet not a lot of answers.

I try to ask your grandmother (my mom) about you and she doesn’t say much. She did mention you will be majoring in Media & Communications, which has me over the moon. I selfishly admit I have always hoped you’d follow in my footsteps. Perhaps you’ll become a world famous journalist or perhaps a media empress. Please do not let anyone prevent you from following YOUR heart and fulfilling your dreams.

I’m so incredibly proud of you baby girl. Your grandmother says you’re on the dance team at school. She even sent me a picture of you from Senior Night. You’re every bit of beautiful as I knew you would be.

I miss you baby girl. I don’t even know how to even express how just empty I’ve felt all this time without you. And yes, I know I could have easily done something about it but I didn’t want to put you in a situation that would have complicated your life. By complicated, I mean unnecessary stress. There wasn’t any need for it. I know how I can be. I know how incredibly emotional and stubborn I can be. I would have hated to be the source of stress for you. My issues with the family are mine and mine alone. You shouldn’t be put in the middle or on the receiving end of this emotional roller coaster.

With that said, please know I didn’t give you up for adoption because I didn’t want you. I did so because I wanted you to have more than I could give you. I needed you to always be safe and sound. I needed you to have food, shelter, a bed, clothing, etc. I needed you to be able to go to the best schools. I needed you to have a life. At the time, I thought your parents would be the best fit for you because they are my godparents. Believe me, if I could, I’d go back and change the past. I wouldn’t have let you out of my sight. Not for one second baby girl. It would’ve been me and you against the world.

But God always has a plan. And maybe sweet pea, we’ll meet sooner rather than later, on your terms of course. Sigh until then… I love you baby girl. I love you sooooo sooooo much!

❤ Mami

Dearest Daughter: Sweet 16

Dearest Daughter,

Today is the day! Jesus lawd my baby is 16 years old. I’m not sure exactly where the time went or even how much time has seemed to escape me without my permission but it has. It has and yet I still feel as lost, angered and upset as I did on every other birthday. Please do not feel like these emotions are directed at you because they’re not in any way whatsoever. I’m mad because I could and should have done better by you. I should have done a lot things during those four days in the hospital but I didn’t. And for that I’m so very very sorry.

As I try to write this letter without crying, I wonder what your “mom and dad” did this morning to celebrate your 16th. I wonder if you’ll have a party or get to go out with your friends. I wonder if your friends at school will surprise you with something wonderful. I wonder what the aunts and uncles will do for you. So much wonder yet only one of us will ever know. I’ve tried talking to your biological grandmother about you and have asked about you your entire life. Needless to say I really don’t know a whole lot. But I imagine you being a grand chip off the ol block. I imagine the facial expressions you’ll make today. I imagine you feeling a tad bit more grown up yet at the same time not really at all.

It is my hope baby girl that your sweet sixteen is special. That it surpasses all other birthdays before this one. Certainly, it will not be the absolute hands down best birthday because I’m sure there will be other that will top this one and more. I want you to know that more than anything in this world at this very moment I’m thinking and praying you’re everything I’ve always imagined you to be. I wish you not only the greatest of great birthdays but one full of laughter, joy, presents and many many blessings.

I love you so much baby girl. I love you beyond the moon. Beyond the universe. Beyond everything God has ever created.

happy happy birthday mi mariposa!

❤ mami

Let da Countdown Begin!

Seven

More

Days!

S E V E N bitches!!!

Next Wednesday’s date has to be my most favorite day of the year. Wait… It IS my most favorite day of the year. How many days can one say is about them all day? Well, unless your parent or grandparent then you get multiple days.

But nothing trumps a person’s birthday. NOTHING! Yes, I really I might be in a small demographic of people who actually like their birthday. No, I’m not too old to celebrate and be excited about my birthday. The way I figure, your birthday is an opportunity to be thankful you’ve made it through another year. An opportunity to share with the people who love you most your special day.

When my sisters and I were younger, our birthdays gave us an excuse to have a party. Well lemme not say that because we really didn’t need to have any excuses. Our birthdays just gave us even more incentive to be crazy together. We’d invite our close friends and stay up all night laughing and talking about random shit, playing outrageous drinking games and reminiscing about everything and everyone.

I remember one birthday my younger sister (by three months) gave me money so I could buy my first bottle of booze. It was the most hilarious night of my life. We went to the liquor store in Podunk little city. I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Kahlúa because our favorite drink to have together was a White Russian.

Another birthday, I had a party at Sherlocks/Baker St Pub off West Gray in Houston. I invited friends from work, from school and other friends. Lawd that was a horrible night in the sense I drank waaaaaaaay more than I should’ve and mixed dranks that don’t need to be mixed together. Threw up so much I was hungover for a few days. I was embarrassed and in waaaaay more trouble that I care to mention or relive after that birthday.

—–

To be completely honest, my birthday is more emotional now than it has ever been before. In 2009, I was robbed at gunpoint. Gunpoint. The guy was waiting for us. I wanted to fight and break every bone he had in his body. I was pissed off and scared out my mind. But I didn’t. I thought about what if he shoots me right here right now. Five million things went through my mind. Ten million emotions rushed over me. Twenty millions reasons flooded my heart as to why I shouldn’t fight the guy ransacking my apartment in the hood. yeah I know So I didn’t. Who knows if his intention was to shoot me that day. But I’m so grateful he didn’t because I’m alive and well today.

My point is there may be a million and a quarter reasons why a person would dislike celebrating their birthday. And most times, I understand the reasoning but you’re alive for another year. You get to wake up to the sunrise. And drive home during sunset. You can watch your nieces and nephews, godchildren and/or your own kids grown before your eyes for another day. So many reasons to be grateful, thankful and full of blessings.

Happy birthday to all the December babies who read my blog!!! Hope you’re having a joyous, eventful and drunken birthday month.

Thanks for reading….

The Southern Yankee

Happy 60th Birthday Mom!

Today, I just want to wish my mother a very happy and joyful milestone birthday. How I wish things were different between us. How I wish that I had enough balls to put aside my childish emotional grudges and go to her as my heart so desires. Yes I know I could easily change the situation. I’m grown enough to admit that. I’m grown enough to know that I need to let go of the past and forgive her and the rest of the family for everything said, done and not done the year my daughter was born. I know this.

But it’s hard. It’s sooooo incredibly hard to distinguish between doing what’s right and the emotions that have been with me for more than fourteen years. It’s hard to fight back the tears that burn down my cheeks when I think too much about my mother, my daughter and my mother’s family. It’s hard not hearing my mother’s voice on days like this when my heart is so full and heavy. It’s hard to distinguish between my childish heart and my adult mind.

I love my mother. Despite everything I’ve been through with my mother and her family, I love her to infinity and beyond. Boo doesn’t understand how I can still feel this way or how I can forgive them [my family] so easily. But what Boo doesn’t understand is that it hasn’t been easy to forgive. It isn’t easy to look at pictures of my mother and not cry or get angry or want to hurl objects around the room. The majority of the emotional roller coaster that is my heart stems from my family. It stems from not being able to speak my mind and be the strong outspoken LOUD woman I know myself to be today.

It. Ain’t. Easy. Yo!

The way I talk to you guys thanks for always listening btw is not how I talk to my family. I’m not The Southern Yankee, Lady Deathstrike, Angry Black Girl, or even my government name. I’m just a timid and quiet only child in a family full of adults.

Sigh… One day right?!

If you ever read this mommy, I love you! I love you so very much words cannot even describe. Yes I know we have our differences and yes we often have not seen eye to eye on almost everything. But you are my mom and my dad. You raised me by yourself and somehow made things happen when I’m sure you thought you couldn’t. Happy happy happy happy birthday! I hope this birthday and every other birthday brings you so much joy and laughter. That you are in good health and that God has blessed you beyond your years of life! ❤ your daughter

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee