Tag Archives: frame of mind

A Random Wordy Tuesday

I’d be lying if I said I hardly ever remember the small insignificant little aspects of my life. I’d be lying if I said those insignificant little aspects didn’t still have some sort of affect on me mentally as well as emotionally. I have issues with remembering shit and people at the most inconvenient of times. I have issues trusting and believing in the simplest of concepts.

My life is comprised of people who both inspire me to be the best I can be and those who I have yet to understand their purpose in my life. My heart yearns for the connections that could possibly be severed for life. I indulge in the what ifs and coulda woulda shoulda waaaaaay more than I really should. Not only is it unhealthy but these thoughts of inadequacy, insecurity and uselessness carried over to how I treat people. Which is unfair and unwarranted.

On a day I should be and part of me is happy, I’m reminded of the many opportunities I’m missing out on. On a day when I have a million fucking thangs to do at work, I’m sitting at the dealer protesting the necessity to leave right this second. On a day when I am obviously blessed to see the sun shining and the air against my face, I want nothing more than to be in bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s coffee Heath crunch, a slice of genuine New York cheesecake and some mega stuffed Oreos. don’t judge me!

I promise I’m not going through one of my bouts of depression. yeah I know I sound that way tho I just often have waaaaaay too much time to think. Random asinine thoughts flood my brain as if I ain’t got shit else to think about. the randomness of other people’s actions, opinions, personalities, style of dress, etc trigger a multitude of memories and emotions that I really don’t wanna deal with.

As I get older, the more I realize I want more outta life. I want the simple aspects of life. I want the “that would be the least of my problems” aspects of life instead of the “fuck! Not this bullshit again!” Is that asking too much outta life?

Perhaps I am. Perhaps the cliché “good things come to those that wait” is true but as my sis says “I’m getting too old for this shit!”

Thas for reading…

 

the southern yankee 

 

Separate but Equal 

I’m having issues separating my emotions from the task at hand. Seriously folks, if I keep on the path, I’m on I’ll expend all my arrows on the small battles instead of saving them. And yes, I’m being cryptic for a reason but I just have to get some shit off ma chest for a minute.

Over the past two or three weeks, I’ve been trying without losing whatever tiny ounce of sanity I had left to complete a certain task that I’m convinced is the biggest thorn in my right ass cheek. Seriously mayne this shit is the worst! And I can’t even pass shit off on someone else. I may be over exaggerating a bit but trust me when I say April’s been the most stressful month of 2015 so far. Sigh and we still have six more days left in the month.

Fuuuuuuuuuck I am beginning to hate April. To make matters worse for me, I still have one more phase to complete which is the one I’ve been dreading the most. I’d lying when I say I didn’t think I had anything to worry about but again, I have serious issues separating my emotions from the tasks I need to complete. I know that in time it’ll get less difficult but I honestly don’t think this’ll ever be one of those things that’ll come second nature for me.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Fit Fabulous & Fahn Friday: Fitness Goals

Sooo as you guys already know and if you don’t know now you know, last week I embarked on a journey to become Fit, Fabulous & Fahn.

I have been overweight for most of my adult life. I am literally 100lbs heavier than I was when I was pregnant with my daughter in 2000. Of course, I was much younger and a very active pregnant lady. I ate healthy and exercised more often than I even think about exercising now. However, let me just say my daughter’s health and well being was the strong motivation for wanting to be healthy while I was pregnant. So I ate a ton of fruits and vegetables and walked everywhere I needed to go on campus.

Let’s fast forward to present day. To be quite honest and mildly petty sounding, there really isn’t anything motivating me to be healthy or to get fit. Quick and easy has been my best friend for almost ten years now. Emotional baggage has played a tremendous role in my lack of motivation to do anything to make myself feel better about me, myself and I. Driving fitty trillion gazillion miles not literally to and from work has taken a toll on my body and the amount of sleep I get every night. Instead of buying raw fruits and veggies to snack on, I opt for a yummy Snickers or Twix or Skittles. taste the FREAKING rainbow of chewy goodness mayne And don’t get me started on my drinking the sugar infused calorie loaded espresso drinks from the dealer i.e. Starbucks. gold card certified mayne! Or the fact that I absolutely loooooooooooooooooooooooove an ice cold almost frozen Vanilla Coke. OOOOOOOOR all the sweet and salty goodness contained in a good bag of kettle corn poppy corn. Yeah I know all thangs that ain’t gon help me lose approximately 50 lbs before my baby sister’s wedding in January 2015. Yes lawd I know that’s a good seven months away. BYE FELICIA!

Which brings me back to this Fit Fabulous & Fahn series on The Southern Yankee.

You know Southern Yankee readers, there is nothing that stops me or you from becoming the very best we can be. Nothing in this world can stop us from becoming what we’ve always wanted to be. From traveling the world and experiencing everything our wildest dreams. The truth of the matter is that willpower is a mutha fucka and sometimes it fails us and that’s okay. So as long as we realize that this journey is going to be long and arduous, we’ve won half the battle. Now it’s time to conquer the war!

For me to win this war of weight loss, I feel I need to lose approximately 50 pounds. I honestly feel that’s not a bad or impossible goal. I currently weigh 246.6 pounds and wear between a size 20 and 22 which isn’t too bad but I have dunlap disease with a plumber’s crack. That’s neither kosher or cute if you ask me. Since I’m tall, I don’t look as fat as I actually am. But shit I’m tired of looking like I’m carrying triplets. Hell quadruplets even… But all bad jokes aside, I honestly feel it is time to take control of my life and my weight. I know I can do this I just need to stay motivated and keep pushing through to my goal.

So here is a list of my goals:

  • Weight:
    • Short Term: 195 lbs by January 2015
    • Long Term: between 165 and 180 lbs
  • Clothing Size:
    • Short Term: size 16 or 18 by January
    • Long Term: size 14 or 16
  • Fitness:
    • To be able to jog around the track at the gym
    • To last longer than five minutes on the “death machine
    • To press 100 to 150 lbs on the Linear Leg Press 
    • To lift 20 lbs on the free weights
    • To run a half marathon (long term goal)
  • Food
    • To cook more instead of buying processed foods or fast food
    • To eat more raw fruits and veggies
    • To drink more water and less sugary drinks
    • To eat well balanced meals and healthier snacks
    • To eat candy and other “desserts” in moderation

Okay I think I should probably stop there with the goals. I don’t want to be overly zealous with my goals especially since college football season is coming up and work is about to get cray cray.

So I guess that’s it for now. Remember if you would like to be a guest blogger for the Fit Fabulous & Fahn Friday series please go to the Fit Fabulous & Fahn Friday Submissions page to submit your story.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Day 8: Someone Who Made Your Life Hell, or Treated You Like Dirt

Throughout my lifetime, I have learned that I cannot make everyone like, love, tolerate, or befriend me. It is a fact of life that I wish more people would learn at an early age because once you get into the “real world” the mantra seems to be every man and woman for him or herself. Don’t get me wrong, there are people in the world who have genuine “Christ-like” hearts and souls that help people every day of their lives. Mother Theresa comes to mind as one such person. However, it seems that for every Mother Theresa like person, there is that one person who makes a point to find everything you do or say wrong. Nothing in this world would change their mind about you. I’ve never understood why this is but it happens and it has unfortunately happened to me with someone who supposedly cared a lot about me.

As stated in my Day 4 post, I grew up an only child. My mother’s only child. I was also the only grandchild in a family with five adult children. After all these years, I am still the only grandchild unless you count my daughter who was adopted by my mother’s sister and husband. Either which way, growing up I didn’t have anyone to share the brunt of the attention. I won’t lie, from newborn to about fifth grade; it was GREAT getting all the attention from my mother’s parents, sisters and brothers. I would be taken places, bought things and spoiled rotten. My Papa (pronounced paw paw) and I spent almost every waking moment together. If I was not in school or with my mom, I went with him. He was/still is what I would think a great father should be. According to my mother’s youngest sister, Papa was a hard ass and mean. I didn’t see it. I thought he was the greatest and wanted to be near him always.

Too bad I cannot say the same for my relationship with my maternal grandmother. Part of me used to think, she might have been jealous of my relationship with Papa because I hardly wanted to spend time with her. See Papa died when I was twelve. My mother and I had only been in Texas for nine years. Nine years of being able to spend morning, noon and night with the father I had ever known. Nine years of going out to the pasture to tend to the cattle and land, to the corner store in town for a quarter cup of coffee and to Sunday School with him and my great-great Uncle Jim. Nine years may seem like a long time, but it really wasn’t especially to a child.

If I remember right, things between grandma and I became complicated when I was in sixth grade right before Papa passed away. Papa had been in and out of the hospital for months. On the weekends and sometimes during the week, I would go visit him with whichever family member was going. Well when we would return home, it would be uber late which meant I would not get enough sleep to stay awake at school the next morning. I remember repeatedly falling asleep and bringing home less than normal grades in my Social Studies class. I think my teacher understood what was going on but my grandmother and mother’s youngest sister didn’t. I remember being called over to my grandmother’s house one night to talk to my aunt on the phone. Apparently grandma told her about my grades and she [my aunt] proceeded to cuss me out to high hell. I was twelve or thirteen then. Did I deserve it? Not to that extent. As I sit and think about it, I can still hear my aunt yelling at the top of her lungs through the phone. I can still see my grandmother sitting on her bed just letting it all happen knowing damn well it wasn’t right.

From that moment on, I really didn’t trust my grandmother. How could I trust someone who seemed to do everything possible to make me feel like I was the bottom of the bottom? Everything I did and/or said was literally under the magnifying glass. And no matter how crafty I got at hiding things from her, she somehow managed to find out about it. I may sound like a brat right now but the emotions felt when I was teenager and even through my junior year of college were absolutely real. How does one assume something about another person and not even ask if it is true? Why would anyone go completely out of their way to make sure another person is miserable? I wish I could say that despite all of her hurtful words and emotional torment I loved my grandmother but the truth is I don’t feel anything for her. She is my mother’s mother and I will always be respect of her; however, anything past that, I cannot do.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Write-Minded

To all the writers out there in the blogosphere, tell me what motivates you to get in the write frame of mind? My attempts at writing a blog are failing as well as frustrating me. I have plenty of ideas but I suppose my problem is knowing where to start. Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you,

The Southern Yankee