I Came Here to Bitch

My mother sent the snarkiest most sarcastic email to me today. sometimes I wonder what i did to deserve my family. Granted, I’m proud to be a member of this family because my Papa was the mutha fuckin shit! buuuuuuut honestly, this whole passive aggressive shit they’ve dished out to me my whole damn life i’m almost fucking FORTY years old!!! yet I’m the one who needs/should cater to them forever and always.

Why? Why do I have to continue to make people happy who never seem to care whether or not I’m happy? it’s fucking September! My daughter will be 18 years old next Saturday and there’s nothing i can possibly do without opening a can of worms neither she or i are even ready to smell at this point.

I miss my kid with every fiber of my being. I’ve asked for updates. pictures. news even. hell i wouldn’t care if they told me that she took a poop. they promised so much and i got nada. and i know i made the choice to give her up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. i honestly and naively thought that i would be able to see her grow without anything “weird” happening between me and my family but it got weird. they got weird. and i walked away. hardest most depressing decision outside of giving her up i’ve ever made in my fucking life. and guess what?!?!?!?! i regret it all. as selfish as this sounds, i really do regret it. but hindsight is 20/20 and here we are 17 years, 11 months and 22 days later.  yeah i know I’m crying wolf waaaaaaay too late.

At what point, does this thing get easier?

I don’t ask for anything. I don’t want anything. all i want is this pain to go away. all i want is an opportunity to have the family I’ve wanted and needed my entire life. but as “in a perfect world” as that sounds, I know I won’t have that with my mother’s family. I know that perhaps my presence is to show face and appear like everything is kosher and copacetic, when we all know the truth.

I felt it when i went to visit my mother and her husband a few months ago and i feel it now. the mom i want(ed) her to be will never be. She will always be the church mother who dishes out scripture and “just pray about it” for advice. She’s the church mother who has to be involved with missionary work, bible study, the choir, the deaconesses, the women’s auxiliary and everything else. Just. like. Grandma.

Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will share a glass of wine with me on our birthdays? Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will comfort me when I’m feeling like shit? Is it too much to ask to just have a fucking conversation without her shutting down or brushing me off?

To be honest, for her, I think I am asking too much. Before I hit 6th grade we were two peas in a pod. Before Papa died I had the mom i wanted and needed. Something happened. And I have no idea what.

sigh…

Dearest Daughter: 17 years exactly

happy birthday baby girl!

my gawd you’re 17 and a junior in high school. i’m not sure how we got to this point so fast. i’m not sure i’m even ready for you to be at this point of your life. haha what am i saying… i’m NEVER reay for you to become a year older and three more steps to college. my friend has a daughter who is four months younger than you and we sort of mildly cry together at the fact our babies (i know you’re not a baby anymore) are so grown now.

i cry at the fact that i’m missing everything. not that i want this post to be a pity party about me and my feelings but i miss you so much baby girl. i wish with all my heart i could meet you. i wish i could tell you that i’m sorry for not stepping up to be the mom i know now i could have been. ohh if i knew then what i know now. so many aspects of our lives would be different. i like to hope that you would be everything that you are now… but that’s neither here nor there.

the fact of the matter is that there isn’t a single day that you’re not on my mind. there isn’t a day that i don’t see or hear something that reminds me of you. i still remember every aspect of the day you were born. i remember all the emotions i felt in those moments and how in love i was when i first laid eyes on you.

you are my light at the end of the tunnel baby girl. you give me life when i don’t think i deserve one or even have a life to live. i know it’s hard to understand what i mean but everything i do is to make you proud. to show that everything hasn’t been done in vain. my boss tells me that i can’t put that pressure on myself. that you’ll love me no matter what. but the fact of the matter is i don’t know what the family has told you about me. i don’t know what you do (or will) think of me if and when we finally meet.


anyway… i should end this before i start crying in the middle of starbucks.

happy birthday mi mariposa. i hope this day brings you so much joy, laughter, many many blessings and wonderful surprises.

i love you always and forever and ever and ever…

❤ mami

Dearest Daughter: Sweet 16

Dearest Daughter,

Today is the day! Jesus lawd my baby is 16 years old. I’m not sure exactly where the time went or even how much time has seemed to escape me without my permission but it has. It has and yet I still feel as lost, angered and upset as I did on every other birthday. Please do not feel like these emotions are directed at you because they’re not in any way whatsoever. I’m mad because I could and should have done better by you. I should have done a lot things during those four days in the hospital but I didn’t. And for that I’m so very very sorry.

As I try to write this letter without crying, I wonder what your “mom and dad” did this morning to celebrate your 16th. I wonder if you’ll have a party or get to go out with your friends. I wonder if your friends at school will surprise you with something wonderful. I wonder what the aunts and uncles will do for you. So much wonder yet only one of us will ever know. I’ve tried talking to your biological grandmother about you and have asked about you your entire life. Needless to say I really don’t know a whole lot. But I imagine you being a grand chip off the ol block. I imagine the facial expressions you’ll make today. I imagine you feeling a tad bit more grown up yet at the same time not really at all.

It is my hope baby girl that your sweet sixteen is special. That it surpasses all other birthdays before this one. Certainly, it will not be the absolute hands down best birthday because I’m sure there will be other that will top this one and more. I want you to know that more than anything in this world at this very moment I’m thinking and praying you’re everything I’ve always imagined you to be. I wish you not only the greatest of great birthdays but one full of laughter, joy, presents and many many blessings.

I love you so much baby girl. I love you beyond the moon. Beyond the universe. Beyond everything God has ever created.

happy happy birthday mi mariposa!

❤ mami

Dearest Daughter: 15 years 5 months

Good Morning Daughter of Mine,

How are you this chilly yet very sunny day in February? I’m sure it’s just as chilly if not chillier where you are than it is in Stepford today but it’s cold nonetheless.

So how bout them Broncos huh? Well, more importantly, Peyton Manning’s performance Sunday night at the Super Bowl? I didn’t see the whole game as I “had” to watch Downton Abbey @ 20:00CT. Yaaaaaaaaz I put my British soap opera before football. It’s unheard of for me but it ain’t like either of my teams were playing Sunday.

On normal occasions, I would miss the show for football but Downton Abbey is just a different kind of show. I can’t even tell you why I love it so much but I do. But then again, I love British culture. There’s something about the Brits that fascinate me to no end.

Speaking of Sunday, how did you like the Halftime Show with Beyonce, Bruno Mars and Coldplay? I can’t say that I was disappointed with it. I thought it might be a train wreck but it was pretty good. I even thoroughly enjoyed Beyonce’s portion of the show. You can close ya mouf nah. Stranger things have come out my mouf before guh. LOL #beyhivedontgetme

Anyway… how are things? Is school going well? In a few short months you’ll be done with your freshman year of high school. It boggles my mind every time I think about you that you’re a high school student. I feel like you were born just yesterday afternoon. I know I know. I’ll stop now. I just… I remember your chubby little cheeks and your cute little nose. You had piano fingers like I did (and still do) when I was born. Everything about you was just perfect. Okay… I’m stopping now..

Well I hope your Monday is going well my dear. Do you get President’s Day off too? I do not believe any of the school districts in the Houston Metro get this day off but I could be wrong. I’m just grateful for a three day weekend! Those don’t really come around often for me.

Anyway baby girl. I should probably sign off now. Hope all is well with you.

Love you always and forever, mami ❤

P.S. I purposefully did not mention Valentine’s Day. It’s one thing to process the fact that you’re a teenager in high school. Dating is a totally different can of worms. I’ll cross that bridge when you’re 18.

Dearest Daughter: 15 years 4 months (exactly)

Dearest Daughter,

First, lemme say Happy New Year! Hope the first fifteen days of 2016 have been going well for you.

Secondly, I’d like to apologize for not writing for so long. I don’t want to make up any excuses so I’ll just say I’m sorry. I must’ve started a letter two or three times a month and never finished it. I cannot promise I won’t miss anymore but at least you know I’m trying to make an effort.

Soooooo it’s been a rather long three months. Lemme think… what have you missed?

OH! Well you have a new cousin. Born September 25th. He’s the cutest little chunky monkey. He’s got big o’ cheeks and ham hocks for legs. How I wish you could meet him. You’d just fall in love. He makes my heart sing when your Auntie sends me pictures.

Speaking of cousins, I finally met one of your other cousins on his 5th birthday in November. He’s just as adorable in person as he is in his pictures. His little glasses makes him look so darn handsome. Your other aunt sent a text the other day and said he has pink eye and a respiratory infection. Poor baby! Hopefully he feels better soon.

Oh you’re gonna have a new cousin in March. My BabySis is pregnant with her first child. We’re all very excited about this baby.

Okay that’s all for the baby/cousin updates. You have more cousins that I can count. And I’m sure on your biological dad’s side there are even more. Speaking of your biological dad, your older brother just turned 16 in December. It’s pretty crazy thinking about the two of you because you’re so close in age. But I pray that one day you’ll be able to meet.

Have you started school yet? I know you’re going to a private school so I’m not certain if you start the spring semester at the same time as the public schools here. Hopefully school is going well and that you’re keeping up with your classes and homework.

I hope and pray you’re doing well baby girl. I miss you more than I can even stand. Every time my co worker talks about her daughter and niece, who are only but four months and days younger than you, a part of me just melts. I wonder what kind of relationship we would have. I wonder if I would be a good mom to you and give you a good life. Sometimes it’s just hard to think about you because in the back of my mind I still feel like I’ve failed you.

Anyway… I should sign off before I start bawling in the middle of Starbucks.

Hope you have a wonderful day baby girl. And please remember I love you I love you I love you!

Mami