Tag Archives: family divided

Conversations with My Brother

My oldest brother called me the other night.

it isn’t out of the ordinary for us not to talk for weeks or months at a time. I have the same sort of relationship with one of my sisters. Months will go by and one of us will call or text and it’ll feel like we just talked the day or two days before. No time lost whatsoever.

But the phone call I received the other night wasn’t entirely one of those conversations. My brother is going through some thangs. Of course these unexpected life obstacles aren’t anything my brother and sister in law have not gone through before. There have been lays off. Odd jobs. Bills needing to be paid. My brother acting like a complete asshole cuz apparently that family temper is in ALL of us.

My brother is a fighter. My sister is his ride or fucking die. And yet my brother still feels an enormous void in his heart. He misses his younger siblings. He misses us to the very core of his soul. He loves us more than he can even explain. I can’t explain enough how much my brother yearns for family. He yearns to have his daughters have a relationship with their auntie and uncles. He yearns to be able to call our little brothers and shoot the shit. He yearns to be able to knock me around like most asinine asshole older brothers do. He wants to be included in our lives. And while that’s great and all, we both know that at the end of the day it might just be me and him.

See my younger brothers, as much as I love them too, don’t always acknowledge they have older siblings. Sigh it isn’t anything I can explain or comprehend the who what when why ano how of where the possibility of having a solid sibling relationship even went. But hearing my oldest brother cry like a baby about needing that relationship and that bond really hurt. Not because he made me feel less than important on the sibling totem pole but because I’ve felt that same sentiment all my life.

I’ve mentioned before that my younger siblings grew up differently than my oldest brother and I. It’s not their fault. Nor is it the fault of their mom. It just happened that way. My step mom is a talented and accomplished singer. She fought hard for her career and to be where she is now in life. I get that wholeheartedly and I hope to God she continues to have a rewarding career and life.

But there’s always a damn but as often as my younger brothers talked to my oldest brother while they were growing up…. As much as they spent time together… As little time as it takes the guys to get to each other’s house today… They don’t reach out to the oldest and I. And that pains my oldest brother to no utter end. It pains him to be and feel “alone.” It pains him to be going through life’s trials and tribulations without them or even me.

I wish I could make my younger brothers understand how my older brother and I feel. I wish so many things for my brothers and I that I cannot make come true because I’ve come to grips with the fact that I can’t make my brothers get along with each other or with me. I can’t force my younger brothers to be our brothers in actuality and not in name. I just can’t. I can hope and pray that one day they’ll want us around but until that day comes if it E V E R fucking comes all I really have is hope and all my oldest brother has is me which in my opinion is the best option he got.

Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee 

I. Feel. Nothing.

email

My family and I have an estranged type of relationship. The only person I really communicate with is my mother. She’s the only one I really care about anyway with the exception of my beautiful almost teenage daughter. So imagine the unsettling feeling I had when I receiving the above email from my mother yesterday about my grandmother (her mother). A very small part of me wants to go visit her in the hospital.

But a bigger more like 99.5% of me feels absolutely nothing. I wish I could explain why this woman who had a large hand in raising me means nothing to me other than she’s my mother’s mother. I wish I could consciously feel the emotions I know I have toward this woman. I wish things could have been different between us because she is after all my grandmother. She gave birth to the woman who gave birth to me. But yet i. feel. nothing!

The last few years have literally been out of sight out of mind. Is that bad to say? Is it bad that I know I should feel something towards her since she’s family but I. Just. Can’t.

When I think of her, I don’t think of the good times that’s because I don’t remember any! we had together. I just get angry. Angry beyond what I can even explain right now. You would think that I would have let all that bullshit go but I haven’t. I find myself wondering if Papa were alive when I was a teenager or if I had not have been so damn emotional about everything she said could we have actually developed some sort of relationship.

Sigh I suppose it is too late for coulda woulda shoulda. All I can do is pray right now for her well being and peace of mind.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Happy Birthday Baby Brother

 

See the adorable baby boy in the picture. That’s my little brother Terence. He is the youngest child of our mothers’ ex-husband. I’m not sure exactly how old he was when that picture was taken but he’s I believe 27 years old today.

I wish I could say I have this great relationship with my little brother but I don’t and I’m not sure why. I’m not going to write a whole post on my speculations or even lash out at the fact that we and our older brother are not a “family”. Of course, if my older brother Tresman was writing this post, he wouldn’t have any problems expressing his disappointment in the fact that our younger brother does not even recognize our existence. The boys follow each other on Facebook and Terence and I follow each other on Twitter, even though he doesn’t tweet much anymore.

Does it make me sad that I don’t have a relationship with my brother? Of course! I mean why wouldn’t it?

I suppose in the end all I can do is continue to hope and pray that my brothers and I will at least be on speaking terms with each other. That we all will be proud to call each other sibling. I don’t think that is too much to ask for but I have been wrong before.

Anyway… If by chance you are reading this Terence, no matter where you are in the world or in your life, I’m always going to be your sister. I’m always going to love you and wish you the very best simply because you are my baby brother. Hope you have a wonderful birthday and that this next year brings you lots of joy, laughter, blessings and tranquility. Love always, big sis!

 

Thanks for reading…

 

The Southern Yankee