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The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter III

Bae don’t have to know. Trifling ass heffa! I knew Curly would say that. And to that I gave her to rudest side eye, thanked her again for returning my case and hopped in my truck. As I sped away, I could see her still standing at her car. Cute girl. But she woulda been just too much trouble.

damn the story for the homies just got juicier!

As I exited the parking lot, my phone rings. Oh now you fucking go off. Ratchet ass phone! I peeped down and saw it was Sam, my homie from SicEmU. Sam will surely get a kick outta this shit.

Yo dawg.

Waddup homes! What’s crackin?

Same ol shit. Bout to jump on this stupid ass call. McFly always wanna have some sort of call to discuss and recap what we talked about two hours ago.

McFly full of shit you know that.

I know. Wassup wit chu?

Yo homie I just met this fahn ass curly haired broad at the dealer. You aaaalllllready know I’m a sucker for curly hair.

Oh lawd here we go.

Nah nah nah I escaped that shit faster than you can climb on top of Gallo.

Don’t talk shit about Gallo mayne. That’s my boo right thur.

Yeah yeah I bet. Anyway so she call herself sitting next to me at the dealer. Dude I nearly had a heart attack. So much so I had to run up outta there. I left so fast I left my iDevice case behind. And guess what? Curly chased me down to return it to me.

Wait she ran after you dawg? And you… behaved?

Ma bad homie, did you want to attend my funeral tomorrow? Besides ain’t nobody a hoe like you!

You right. So obviously you pulled over so you could retrieve your case. But did something happen that you talking to me now?

That triflin ass heffa tried to put the damn moves on me and then said Bae ain’t gotta know what we do. In my head, I said shiiiiiiiiiiiit you dunno Bae and I ain’t bout ta get kilt over ya hoeish ways. Outwardly, I just hopped in Prime and left. That trick, as you say, was innocent and homely looking wit bad gurl riri ways! No thank you!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha

Yo dawg that shit…. Okay yeah it is funny but shit you know I don’t need added drama to my life.

LOL You sho don’t. Well glad you dodged that bullet. Ima get on this call and holla at you later.

Aight homie. Check ya later.

I arrived at work shortly after I hung up with Sam. As I’m driving into the compound, I notice three of the work homies, Wolverine, CheddaHed and Harper Lee have all arrived to work.

Shit it’s already after 08:20! That means ShawtyLoLo has left the building already. I’ll have to tell that fool my chismes later.

I parked Prime on the other side of the lot next to my friend Trixie. As I was grabbing my shit, Bae messaged me.

Like fucking clock work. You coulda message earlier yo.

hey babe. Just checking on you. Hope you’re okay.

Suriously! You couldn’t have messaged earlier when I was being seduced by the dangerously fahn curly haired girl. Jesus…

yep I’m ok babe. Just got to work.

I finished gathering shit and start my trek to the front door. As I’m walking to the front door, I start thinking about the whole ordeal with Curly. A small part of me was amused by the whole situation because that meant at the ripe of age of thirty-five I still got it!

Ha HA! Play on playa!

On the other side of that, even though I still got that p.i.m.p schwagga, I know I’m all bark and no bite. And I’ve grown up quite a bit from my younger more hoeish days at SicEmU. But lemme be perfectly clur when I say I’d still be a hoe had Bae not come along.

Ugh mushy shit… Gotta nip that shit in the bud now!

08:35. Not bad timing.

Elevator

 

 

Ooooooor the stairs.

 

 

Decisions

 

 

Elevator it is. I’m feeling lazy today.

 

Hey! Hold the elevator.

 

Oh shit please let that not be Curly.

I pushed the door open button and waited for the person to come through.

Any day now. It don’t take that long to punch in.

The voice came around the corner. Whew shit not Curly! Thank you geeeeeeeezzzzuuuuusssss!

BUUUUUUUUUT it was one of the building hotties.

Fuck me now life! Twice in one day really? I’m surely to be dead by tomorrow morning. I’m sure of it!

Sup

Hey

Thanks for holding the door.

McSteamy is talking to meeeeeeeeee! Happy dance! Happy dance!

No prob bob.

Come on elevator ooooooopen already. Finally dammit. Slowest two flight elevator ride EVER!

Have a good day!

Yeah you too see you around.

Not if I see you first McSteamy.

Married spud ma-rr-ied spud! Lawd help me today!

 

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter II

ay dios mio that coulda become sticky. She was fahn tho. Wait til I tell the homies at work.

I sped out of the parking lot almost as fast as I could. All I could think about was how I dodged a bullet by not interacting with the curly haired girl. I know my abrupt departure prolly seemed rude but I ain’t tryna get in trouble with Bae. Y’all just dunno how crazy Bae gets at times and ain’t nobody got time fa dat shiiiiiit.

But at the same time, I couldn’t help but daydream about what a conversation with Curly might sound like. Would we strike a conversation about Apple iDevices? Would we talk about the weather? Or how unusually hopping the dealer was today? Thur wur people e’rywhur Or perhaps about a ma zing ly gawhgeous her eyes were and how I wouldn’t mind peering into them for a longer period of time?

yo Xa seriously!? You know that would be trouble!

I wonder if she uses the dealer’s atmosphere to write too. I wonder if she’s a closeted Stepford bitch or does she always seem like she would be “the girl next door.” Ugh I need to get her outta my mind and focus on something else. Besides it ain’t like I’ll ever see her again.

I drove down the tree lined street with the windows down. I turned up the radio loud and bumped to Partition by Beyoncé.

Yoncé all on his mouth like liquor [×4]
Like, like liquor, like, like, like liquor
Yoncé all on his mouth like liquor [×3]
Like, like liquor, like, like, like liquor

For whatever reason, that song is my shit! I’m not a Beyoncé fan yes I know The Beygency gon come git me but this song makes me wanna shake E’RYTHANG my mama gave me. Without fail, I rolled down my windows and turned up the radio as loud as my ears could stand. I started singing at the top of my lungs while the summer air blew through my short reddish brown “power to the people” fro.

Oh, there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel
Oh, baby, baby be better slow it down
Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up
And we ain’t even gonna make it to this club

I was in mid verse with I heard beep beep coming from the vehicle to the right of me. I could see someone trying to peer into my passenger side window but was failing miserably. I gotta redneck truck yo! Ain’t nobody peeking in.

beep beep

Seriously?! What could this person possibly want?

The light turned green and I sped off down the street. I managed to get far enough ahead to see the car honking at me was a cute little blue Mini Cooper with a white racing stripe. oh ain’t that just cute. The toy wants to race!

At the next light, the Mini Copper rolled up beside me again. This time the driver yelled for me. hey! You! In the redneck truck!

What the fuck?! As far as I knew, I had not crossed into the driver’s lane nor had I attempted that day to run over a random pedestrian. So what in the bloody fucking hell could this person want! In the mist of my rage, I realized the voice was not a dude but a chick.

uh oh! Please don’t let this be Curly! Lawd please let it not be….

I peered over the side of my right window and who do I see smiling at me — the curly haired girl from the dealer. o_O fuuuuuuuck meeeeee!!!!!! I’m a married spud guh! Stop taunting me!

heeeeey I have something of yours

No she don’t.

Bag in the passenger seat.

Lunch box in the back seat.

iPhone in the carrier.

Nope she ain’t got shit. But for good measure, I rummaged through my bag and noticed I didn’t have my iPad case which by the time I discovered what i was missing, she’s holding it up high enough for me to see. is this what I get for running away from a pretty girl?

I lowered my window and asked her to follow me to the grocery store parking lot just up the street. She winked at me and complied with my request. oh fuck no! Even her winks are sexy as hell!! I’m officially in trouble!

We slowly pulled into the parking lot. I hesitated getting out of my truck. I didn’t want to talk or face or even be next to Curly. Once was awkward enough.

I jumped down from my truck and walked around to the front. member to make this quick, Xa, cuz yous a married spud.

She took a minute to get out of her car. Like that ain’t suspect! Finally, she exits her Mini Cooper and she looks just as beautiful and sexy as she seemed not even ten minutes ago at the dealer. I let out a heavy oh-my-fucking-gawd sigh. Every part of me wanted to tell her to just keep the case for herself. I could always find another one or just use the Speck case I already have.

But my dumb ass didn’t move. As usual my mind and body were not on the same wavelength. not the time to be outta sync mind and body! Feet move! Move bitch lets get out da way!!

Nope. Nada. Zilch! body you can be such a fucking dude sometimes

She walked slowly towards me. Every step seemed to take fitty million years. Every step made me even more nervous than the previous. As I she came closer, I kept hoping and praying my phone would ring and I’d have to answer.

Nope.
No calls.
Seriously?!

She finally reached me with my case underneath her arm. why is she not extending it out to me? Look hur you PYT I ain’t got no money to be paying yo ass off for a stupid case.

hi

sup

At this point, I’m slightly annoyed because I hoped this would be over in a jiffy. She’s trying to make small talk and I needs ta go!

look thanks for bringing me my case. That was really nice of you! Hand extended to receive a case that was still underneath her arm.

She looked down at my extended hand then at my case. oh! Ma bad here’s your case

I quickly turned around to start walking back around to the driver’s side door. She followed.

hey I was wondering if we could meet at the dealer some time.

There it was. The invitation I didn’t want to receive. ggggggeeeeeeezzzzzzuuuuuuuusssss now I gotta find a new dealer location. Ugh! The others are bougie!

I don’t think that will be possible. Bae would not appreciate me spending time with you and lawd know I don’t need Bae getting all bent outta shape over you.

Bae don’t have to know. Trifling ass heffa! I knew Curly would say that. And to that I gave her to rudest side eye, thanked her again for returning my case and hopped in my truck. As I sped away, I could see her still standing at her car. Cute girl. But she woulda been just too much trouble.

damn the story for the homies just got juicier!

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter I

The time on the clock read 04:30 which meant I only had roughly thirty minutes to pee and shit, get dressed, make my lunch and get out the door. Yet I wasn’t moving. I laid there like I normally do after my 04:15 alarm has buzzed me awake for the five millionth time in twenty minutes.

Bae rolled over as usual to push me out the bed. I fought back with some strong resistance. I didn’t want to get from under my flannel flat sheet and soft throw blanket. I was comfortable and deserved to sleep as much as possible before making my long trek to the place that gives me a paycheck every two weeks.

I finally fell out of our queen size bed at 04:50. At this point, it is obvious I don’t care if either of us are late to work. The school district and local colleges don’t start the fall semester for another week so traffic shouldn’t be that bad. But of course, I don’t want to speak too damn soon since people in our metropolitan area drive like Neanderthals no matter what.

Bae and I finally leave the house. The clock in my truck reads 05:15. Fuck! Bae is going to bitch the whole fucking way.

It doesn’t help matters that there’s a fucking accident at the beginning of our drive. These mutha fuckas obviously woke up dumber than they did yesterday. Move Bitch just started playing on my mental iPod. Since the CD player in my truck doesn’t work and radio stations in my area are shitty, the mental iPod plays all the hits. Next up, Out of My Mind by B.o.B.

Like clockwork, Bae fell asleep. That’s great for me cuz I could use the peace and muthafuckin QUIET! Just me and the shitty ass radio stations.

We arrived at Bae’s job with eight minutes to spare. That’s pretty damn good for leaving the house ten minutes late. We say our goodbyes and I watch to make sure Bae gets in the door okay. I speed off to catch the second part of the morning commuter traffic. I hate metro traffic. If it ain’t one thang it’s a fucking other. But I endure the bullshit because rent is cheap as fuck. Otherwise, I think I’d have to seriously hurt somebody or become an alcoholic. both of which are equally tempting

I usually have time to kill between the time I drop off Bae and assimilating into the Borg. Today, I decided to do a slow coffee drip via IV while researching topics for the book I’ve been working on for the last I dunno how many years of my life. It feels like forever since I wrote the first chapter but it is slowly coming together.

I arrived to the dealer a little after 06:30. Score! The parking lot is empty. That means I can be like Sheldon and claim my spot. I enter my usual watering hole like I was rollin’ in from a hoppin’ night at the club — eyes slanted, feet dragging and body heavily. I pop the lid off my cup and ask the lady with the butterflies in her hair to fi’ler up wit da dark stuff. My eyes widened as she turned on the drip. There ain’t nothing sexier in the mawning than a fresh pour of joe. I wave my iPhone in front of the red eye and go about my merry way. I claimed my right corner spot at the end of the IKEA-esque looking table.

Bag in front.

Phone to the right.

Crack to the left.

iPad in the middle.

I plug my headphones into my phone for some morning twerks and connect to the free Wi Fi. Even though I see the same people at the dealer day in and day out, there’s always something different about the atmosphere. I never really can put my finger on but it is definitely noticeable especially when I frequent the dealer located near the house.

I try not to frequent the Stepford dealer too often. I always feel underdressed and slightly out of place. Men wear suits or button-down shirts with nice slacks. The women come dressed to nines in fashion forward business attire, high heels and a touch of Coach, Prada or Michael Kors. Their Beamers, Benzs and occasional Bentleys sit outside in the parking lot with imaginary spot beams because we all know they think their shit is better than ours. rich folk problems

As I settle into my chair for an intense and hopefully productive writing session, my mind starts to wander. It wanders off to last night’s dinner. To last month’s debacle at work. To me and Bae’s anniversary last year. To the person I had a crush on while working at Target more than ten years ago. Fuck! So and so was fahn back in da day!

While I try to steer my mind back to the task at hand, I notice the hawt personal trainers from the 24 Hour Fitness up the street. My eyes are saying omg what yummy eye candy while my body and mind curses them out for coming to Starbucks to get drinks full of calories and sugar and for having bodies like Greek gods. mutha fuckas need to be shot

Okay focus Xa! FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!

Before I could even fix my fingers to type, this tall sexy woman walks through the side door of the dealer. She has shoulder length reddish brown curly hair. Her long floor length paisley colored maxi dress accentuated her luscious and very dangerous curves. I try not to stare like a stalker in a dark corner but I couldn’t help notice everything about her. It didn’t seem like anyone had put a ring on it. Nor did it seem like she was meeting someone there.

Her mannerisms and the way she carried herself told me she was either a Stepford regular or a commuter. don’t judge me there’s a science to figuring out the natives The way she addressed the baristas and other customers didn’t seem as cold and superficial as the woman behind her. She must have “felt” someone staring at her because she quickly turned around which sent her curls flying. My eyes quickly darted to my iPad to keep from being caught.

No. Such. Luck.

Our eyes met. I sheepishly smiled and so did she. o_O uh oh! Please don’t come over. Please… Don’t… Uh ooh

She grabbed her drink for the bar and walked straight towards my table. As she neared the table, I noticed she had a radiant smile with hazel green eyes that almost seemed hypnotizing. I tried my best to keep my eyes on my iPad but she sat right next to me.

I’m a married spud! I’m a married spud!

When she sat down, she pulled out her own iPad and slouched down in the chair. fuck! She’s settling in for a long stay! fuck fuck fuck! Married spud married spud Every so often, I noticed she would glance at my iPad then at me and back to her iPad. I tried my best not to move suddenly or make any awkward weirdo teenage gestures. In my single days, I woulda been all over dat but today… TODAY IMA BEHAVE FIR ONCE!

Without missing a beat, I packed up my shit and left in an awkward quickness. I could feel her eyes on me as I walked out across the store to leave but I didn’t turn around. Nope couldn’t give her that satisfaction. But when I got to my truck and looked in her direction, she wasn’t at the table anymore. She moves quicker than I do.

ay dios mio that coulda become sticky. She was fahn tho. Wait til I tell the homies at work

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe