Dearest Daughter: 19 years and College Enrolled

Dearest daughter,

Happy happy birthday baby girl! My gawd you’re not only 19 years old but you enrolled in college. I feel like it was yesterday that I held you in my arms after you were born. It’s almost surreal how quickly time has flown by. One moment you were kicking me like a damn soccer ball. Next minute you’re graduating high school and going to your auntie’s alma mater.

Which btw your auntie and I are soooo soooo proud of you for going there!! It warms every bit of my heart that you are going into media, film and television. I giggle and cheese every time I think about it. My friends tell me (of course I talk about you) all the time how it’s utterly amazing the connection we have without having said one word to each other.

I pray all of your dreams and aspirations come true baby girl. I pray you’re having fun filled day full of love, laughter, joy and perhaps a few presents. However, please don’t forget to study for your class(es) tomorrow.

Love you always and forever,

Mami

Dearest Daughter: 18 years 1 month 21 days

My dearest dearest Daughter,

I know I know.. I’m more than a month late writing this letter.

How was your birthday? Did you do anything exciting or out of the ordinary? I don’t really remember my 18th birthday. I’m almost positive my friends and I celebrated at one of their houses. Hopefully, you had a wonderful and fun-filled birthday.

I wanted to send you a care package for your birthday and senior year but my fear of your parents not giving the package to you overcame me. The fear of it being too much too soon and not on your terms was also a factor. Please know I think of you DAILY! That there isn’t a moment that I don’t wonder about you. Who you are? What your likes and dislikes are? If there are aspects of our personalities that are the same? I have so many questions and yet not a lot of answers.

I try to ask your grandmother (my mom) about you and she doesn’t say much. She did mention you will be majoring in Media & Communications, which has me over the moon. I selfishly admit I have always hoped you’d follow in my footsteps. Perhaps you’ll become a world famous journalist or perhaps a media empress. Please do not let anyone prevent you from following YOUR heart and fulfilling your dreams.

I’m so incredibly proud of you baby girl. Your grandmother says you’re on the dance team at school. She even sent me a picture of you from Senior Night. You’re every bit of beautiful as I knew you would be.

I miss you baby girl. I don’t even know how to even express how just empty I’ve felt all this time without you. And yes, I know I could have easily done something about it but I didn’t want to put you in a situation that would have complicated your life. By complicated, I mean unnecessary stress. There wasn’t any need for it. I know how I can be. I know how incredibly emotional and stubborn I can be. I would have hated to be the source of stress for you. My issues with the family are mine and mine alone. You shouldn’t be put in the middle or on the receiving end of this emotional roller coaster.

With that said, please know I didn’t give you up for adoption because I didn’t want you. I did so because I wanted you to have more than I could give you. I needed you to always be safe and sound. I needed you to have food, shelter, a bed, clothing, etc. I needed you to be able to go to the best schools. I needed you to have a life. At the time, I thought your parents would be the best fit for you because they are my godparents. Believe me, if I could, I’d go back and change the past. I wouldn’t have let you out of my sight. Not for one second baby girl. It would’ve been me and you against the world.

But God always has a plan. And maybe sweet pea, we’ll meet sooner rather than later, on your terms of course. Sigh until then… I love you baby girl. I love you sooooo sooooo much!

❤ Mami

Dearest Daughter: 14 years 6 months 6 days

So the other day you turned fourteen and a half. My gawd time has truly escaped me since September 2000. It’s crazy to think about how much time has passed and how much little time is left before you go off to college. Perhaps I shouldn’t get too far ahead of myself seeing as you’re only going to be in high school in September. You probably cannot wait for time to pass but I’m sure your parents would rather time slow down. Can’t say that I blame them tho. I’m fairly certain they thought the same thing when I was your age.

I should have started these letters a long time ago because at least then you’d know that I don’t let a day go by without thinking about you. Of course, I know there’s a strong possibility you may never read this section of my blog and that’s okay cuz ya mama is crazy and I wouldn’t want you to think any less than you already do.

It’s funny how as you get older, I tend to miss you more. I grow more and more curious about who you are. What you like to do. If you’re interested in the same hobbies I was when I was your age or that I am now. I wonder what your parents have told you about me or if anything at all.

You were three when I saw you last and the experience was so not what I wanted or hoped it would be. I thought… I hoped… To be honest, I don’t know what I thought. Seeing as your parents are my aunt and uncle, I had hoped we’d continue being one big family instead of me feeling like the birth mom and them feeling like I was a threat.

This may or may not have been the case but I assure you I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted not to be in your life. But I removed myself because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought by allowing you to grow up in a drama free environment that everyone would be happy which is all I’ve ever wanted for you.

Please understand that in order for you to have a better life I had to make some difficult decisions. Decisions I’ve lived with for the last 14 years 6 months and 6 days. I remember the day I gave birth to you. I remember when my doctor told me you were a girl and not a boy like the ultrasound seemed to show. You little imph you had your thumb in between your legs and well yeah. Hahahaha

I remember freaking out in the hospital because you were crying and not eating.  I remember holding you when you were maybe a few months old and feeling like I was the luckiest person ever. I remember when you touched your nose then touched mine. It almost felt like you knew who I was to you. I remember whispering to you mommy loves you as you were sleeping in my arms at your parents house.

Sigh… Again, I don’t know what you know about me. If you don’t know anything else about me then know that I love you so incredibly much.

You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.

 

I’ll love you always baby girl…

 

Mami