Dearest Daughter: 19 years and College Enrolled

Dearest daughter,

Happy happy birthday baby girl! My gawd you’re not only 19 years old but you enrolled in college. I feel like it was yesterday that I held you in my arms after you were born. It’s almost surreal how quickly time has flown by. One moment you were kicking me like a damn soccer ball. Next minute you’re graduating high school and going to your auntie’s alma mater.

Which btw your auntie and I are soooo soooo proud of you for going there!! It warms every bit of my heart that you are going into media, film and television. I giggle and cheese every time I think about it. My friends tell me (of course I talk about you) all the time how it’s utterly amazing the connection we have without having said one word to each other.

I pray all of your dreams and aspirations come true baby girl. I pray you’re having fun filled day full of love, laughter, joy and perhaps a few presents. However, please don’t forget to study for your class(es) tomorrow.

Love you always and forever,

Mami

Dearest Daughter: Sweet 16

Dearest Daughter,

Today is the day! Jesus lawd my baby is 16 years old. I’m not sure exactly where the time went or even how much time has seemed to escape me without my permission but it has. It has and yet I still feel as lost, angered and upset as I did on every other birthday. Please do not feel like these emotions are directed at you because they’re not in any way whatsoever. I’m mad because I could and should have done better by you. I should have done a lot things during those four days in the hospital but I didn’t. And for that I’m so very very sorry.

As I try to write this letter without crying, I wonder what your “mom and dad” did this morning to celebrate your 16th. I wonder if you’ll have a party or get to go out with your friends. I wonder if your friends at school will surprise you with something wonderful. I wonder what the aunts and uncles will do for you. So much wonder yet only one of us will ever know. I’ve tried talking to your biological grandmother about you and have asked about you your entire life. Needless to say I really don’t know a whole lot. But I imagine you being a grand chip off the ol block. I imagine the facial expressions you’ll make today. I imagine you feeling a tad bit more grown up yet at the same time not really at all.

It is my hope baby girl that your sweet sixteen is special. That it surpasses all other birthdays before this one. Certainly, it will not be the absolute hands down best birthday because I’m sure there will be other that will top this one and more. I want you to know that more than anything in this world at this very moment I’m thinking and praying you’re everything I’ve always imagined you to be. I wish you not only the greatest of great birthdays but one full of laughter, joy, presents and many many blessings.

I love you so much baby girl. I love you beyond the moon. Beyond the universe. Beyond everything God has ever created.

happy happy birthday mi mariposa!

❤ mami

Dearest Daughter: Happy 15th Birthday!

Dearest Daughter,

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Were you up all night waiting for the stroke of midnight to come? I’m sure you were. I mean you my kid for the love of all things wonderful and self-centered on one’s birthday.

I remember this day like it was just yesterday and not 15 years ago.

It was a Friday afternoon. I went to class and work that day. I wasn’t feeling well so I asked my boss if I could leave early. Thankfully, let me go because I was not good for anybody’s full work day. I walked back to my dorm and proceeded to try to relax. What happened next was the beginning of a very long afternoon.

One minute I’m going to the restroom… The next minute I was frantically calling your aunt who didn’t pick up her phone and running downstairs to the lobby to get someone to call an ambulance because apparently you decided you wanted to make presence known that day. But unfortunately for both of us, my cervix wasn’t dilating and I was losing a lot of blood. And I was scared and alone. Well not so alone because my RA Dominique was with me. She rode with me and was in labor and delivery with me.

Anyway they prepped me for surgery. You were to be born via Cesarean section. I didn’t want that. I DID NOT WANT TO BE CUT OPEN! But it didn’t matter what I wanted. You needed to come that day at that time. So I let go and let God.

I remember when they gave me the epidural shot.

I remember seeing my RA’s face and the anesthesiologist talking to me about what was happening and how I might feel during and after everything was done.

I remember hearing your sweet cry and saying he’s here and the doctor saying no she’s here. I was so mad at you for tricking me into thinking you were a boy and not a girl. See you had your thumb between your legs when I had the ultrasound done. Sneaky little imph you.

I remember when I held you for the first time. I remember my friend Flo calling you mohawk because you had the cutest little curly mohawk with a head FULL of hair when you were born.

Everything about you was absolutely P E R F E C T.

The three days I got to spend with you changed my life completely. How I wish I listened to my heart and not my selfish mind. I never should have let you out of my sight. I never should have….

I never should have stopped fighting for you. But I wanted you to have more. Be more. Be provided more.

With that said, I hope and pray to God you have had an interesting and wonderful life so far. I hope that you receive and become everything you’ve ever hoped for and then some.

I love you so much my sweet sweet baby.

Happy happy birthday!!

Love, Mami 😘

Dearest Daughter: 14 years 9 months 3 days

Dearest Daughter,

You are officially three months away from your fifteenth birthday and and maybe two and a half months to the start of your freshman year of high school.

I’m

Sooooooooo

Not

READY!!

I know you’re not with me. I know I’ve missed your entire life but you’re still my baby. You’re still very much a huge part of my life. You’re the reason why I make certain decisions. Why I try to position myself on a path to propel my career because as I’ve mentioned before, I want you to be proud of me. I want you to understand why I had to make the decisions I made when you were born and throughout my life.

I assure you I’m doing my best to not make giving you up for adoption seem selfish or in vain, even though I’m out sure there’s anything I could really do to remedy that. I’ve imagined our first meeting over and over and over again. Each time it was a different scenario. Each time I felt even more uncertain about your reaction than the previous time. I know I can’t do that to myself but it’s what I think about. It’s what I feel. It’s what I imagine when my co worker talks about her daughter.

One day we’ll meet. And I’ll totally ill prepared for the moment. I’ll fumbled over my words. Probably curse waaaay more than you’re use to with your parents. I apologize now baby girl. Yo mama curse like an effn sailor! It’ll be awkward because I’m slightly awkward and weird. Perhaps we’ll bond on the similarities of our personality. Perhaps this meeting if it happens will be less scary than I’m anticipating. Perhaps just perhaps you won’t be as angry and hurt as I have made myself to believe.

At least I hope….

Mami

Dearest Daughter: 14 years 7 months

Dearest Daughter,

In five very very short months, you’ll be fifteen years old and a freshman in high school. Lawd have murcy where did the time go? It seems like yesterday I was pregnant and fussing at you to stop treating me like a soccer ball. Of course, I don’t know why I would fuss because you wouldn’t listen and if you did, it only lasted for a few minutes. I swear you were practicing for the Women’s FIFA World Cup.

Speaking of those endless soccer matches, do you like and/or play sports? If you do like sports, please tell me that you dislike the Dallas Cowgirls. I know you grew up there but it would just break my little football loving heart if you liked the Cowgirls. Yes, you’re entitled to like whatever team you like but to know you and I could possibly share the same loathing for the Cowgirls would me so very happy. *wink wink*

All jokes aside, I can’t help but wonder how many similarities we share.

For example, I absolutely love to cook. One of my dreams is to have a huge gourmet kitchen and spacious dining room so I can host dinner parties. I’m no Susie Homemaker but there is something very comforting about cooking and sharing one’s kitchen creations with other people. Plus it would be nice to pass down recipes to you and your siblings if and when they will come someday. Unfortunately, my baking expertise is more limited than Tony Romo’s ability to take the Cowgirls to another Super Bowl. yaaaaaaaaaaaaas i had to throw that one in I’m not a bad baker but I’m not a pastry chef like your Uncle Anthony and your Aunt Eva (one of my best friends from high school). My tummy is rumbling just thinking about all their wonderful pastries.

What about singing and dancing? I can’t dance well but I’ll do anyway because I love it so much. My singing voice isn’t as good as it used to be. I try though.

I’m not going to even ask you about music. I imagine you and I would differ about music just as much as my co-worker and her daughter, who is four months younger than you, do. Just because you’re my child, I already see the sideways looks you’d give me about the music I listen to because I’d give your biological grandmother the exact same look. Whatever!

Oh baby girl so many questions yet I’m not sure when if ever they will be answered. Sometimes, I have to force myself not to think about you because I cry every other time I do. I see so many teenagers with their moms and/or dads and wonder. I wonder what you’re doing at that particular moment. I wonder how our relationship will be. I wonder if we’ll ever have any sort of relationship at all.

Truth be told I’m so incredibly scared to re-enter the family because I don’t want to hurt or confuse you. I’m afraid you will hate me for not keeping you. I’m afraid whatever answers I give to your questions won’t be enough. I’ve read way too stories about first meetings. Yes there are some good ones that end or progress happily but there are others that well… Those are the ones that scare me the most. No, I don’t know what the future will hold. And no, I can’t predict it. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less afraid.

Hopefully, if you ever read these “Dearest Daughter” letters, it’ll help you understand who I am and what you mean to me.

I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.

When it’s cold outside I’ve got the month of May.

I guess you’d say

What can make me feel this way?

My girl (my girl, my girl)

Talkin’ ’bout my girl (my girl).

I love you always,

 

Mami