Chapter I

The time on the clock read 04:30 which meant I only had roughly thirty minutes to pee and shit, get dressed, make my lunch and get out the door. Yet I wasn’t moving. I laid there like I normally do after my 04:15 alarm has buzzed me awake for the five millionth time in twenty minutes.

Bae rolled over as usual to push me out the bed. I fought back with some strong resistance. I didn’t want to get from under my flannel flat sheet and soft throw blanket. I was comfortable and deserved to sleep as much as possible before making my long trek to the place that gives me a paycheck every two weeks.

I finally fell out of our queen size bed at 04:50. At this point, it is obvious I don’t care if either of us are late to work. The school district and local colleges don’t start the fall semester for another week so traffic shouldn’t be that bad. But of course, I don’t want to speak too damn soon since people in our metropolitan area drive like Neanderthals no matter what.

Bae and I finally leave the house. The clock in my truck reads 05:15. Fuck! Bae is going to bitch the whole fucking way.

It doesn’t help matters that there’s a fucking accident at the beginning of our drive. These mutha fuckas obviously woke up dumber than they did yesterday. Move Bitch just started playing on my mental iPod. Since the CD player in my truck doesn’t work and radio stations in my area are shitty, the mental iPod plays all the hits. Next up, Out of My Mind by B.o.B.

Like clockwork, Bae fell asleep. That’s great for me cuz I could use the peace and muthafuckin QUIET! Just me and the shitty ass radio stations.

We arrived at Bae’s job with eight minutes to spare. That’s pretty damn good for leaving the house ten minutes late. We say our goodbyes and I watch to make sure Bae gets in the door okay. I speed off to catch the second part of the morning commuter traffic. I hate metro traffic. If it ain’t one thang it’s a fucking other. But I endure the bullshit because rent is cheap as fuck. Otherwise, I think I’d have to seriously hurt somebody or become an alcoholic. both of which are equally tempting

I usually have time to kill between the time I drop off Bae and assimilating into the Borg. Today, I decided to do a slow coffee drip via IV while researching topics for the book I’ve been working on for the last I dunno how many years of my life. It feels like forever since I wrote the first chapter but it is slowly coming together.

I arrived to the dealer a little after 06:30. Score! The parking lot is empty. That means I can be like Sheldon and claim my spot. I enter my usual watering hole like I was rollin’ in from a hoppin’ night at the club — eyes slanted, feet dragging and body heavily. I pop the lid off my cup and ask the lady with the butterflies in her hair to fi’ler up wit da dark stuff. My eyes widened as she turned on the drip. There ain’t nothing sexier in the mawning than a fresh pour of joe. I wave my iPhone in front of the red eye and go about my merry way. I claimed my right corner spot at the end of the IKEA-esque looking table.

Bag in front.

Phone to the right.

Crack to the left.

iPad in the middle.

I plug my headphones into my phone for some morning twerks and connect to the free Wi Fi. Even though I see the same people at the dealer day in and day out, there’s always something different about the atmosphere. I never really can put my finger on but it is definitely noticeable especially when I frequent the dealer located near the house.

I try not to frequent the Stepford dealer too often. I always feel underdressed and slightly out of place. Men wear suits or button-down shirts with nice slacks. The women come dressed to nines in fashion forward business attire, high heels and a touch of Coach, Prada or Michael Kors. Their Beamers, Benzs and occasional Bentleys sit outside in the parking lot with imaginary spot beams because we all know they think their shit is better than ours. rich folk problems

As I settle into my chair for an intense and hopefully productive writing session, my mind starts to wander. It wanders off to last night’s dinner. To last month’s debacle at work. To me and Bae’s anniversary last year. To the person I had a crush on while working at Target more than ten years ago. Fuck! So and so was fahn back in da day!

While I try to steer my mind back to the task at hand, I notice the hawt personal trainers from the 24 Hour Fitness up the street. My eyes are saying omg what yummy eye candy while my body and mind curses them out for coming to Starbucks to get drinks full of calories and sugar and for having bodies like Greek gods. mutha fuckas need to be shot

Okay focus Xa! FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!

Before I could even fix my fingers to type, this tall sexy woman walks through the side door of the dealer. She has shoulder length reddish brown curly hair. Her long floor length paisley colored maxi dress accentuated her luscious and very dangerous curves. I try not to stare like a stalker in a dark corner but I couldn’t help notice everything about her. It didn’t seem like anyone had put a ring on it. Nor did it seem like she was meeting someone there.

Her mannerisms and the way she carried herself told me she was either a Stepford regular or a commuter. don’t judge me there’s a science to figuring out the natives The way she addressed the baristas and other customers didn’t seem as cold and superficial as the woman behind her. She must have “felt” someone staring at her because she quickly turned around which sent her curls flying. My eyes quickly darted to my iPad to keep from being caught.

No. Such. Luck.

Our eyes met. I sheepishly smiled and so did she. o_O uh oh! Please don’t come over. Please… Don’t… Uh ooh

She grabbed her drink for the bar and walked straight towards my table. As she neared the table, I noticed she had a radiant smile with hazel green eyes that almost seemed hypnotizing. I tried my best to keep my eyes on my iPad but she sat right next to me.

I’m a married spud! I’m a married spud!

When she sat down, she pulled out her own iPad and slouched down in the chair. fuck! She’s settling in for a long stay! fuck fuck fuck! Married spud married spud Every so often, I noticed she would glance at my iPad then at me and back to her iPad. I tried my best not to move suddenly or make any awkward weirdo teenage gestures. In my single days, I woulda been all over dat but today… TODAY IMA BEHAVE FIR ONCE!

Without missing a beat, I packed up my shit and left in an awkward quickness. I could feel her eyes on me as I walked out across the store to leave but I didn’t turn around. Nope couldn’t give her that satisfaction. But when I got to my truck and looked in her direction, she wasn’t at the table anymore. She moves quicker than I do.

ay dios mio that coulda become sticky. She was fahn tho. Wait til I tell the homies at work!

originally posted on 08/27/2014 @ 08:21

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A Journey into the Life of a Foul-Mouthed Nerdtastic Girl

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