Dearest Daughter: 19 years and College Enrolled

Dearest daughter,

Happy happy birthday baby girl! My gawd you’re not only 19 years old but you enrolled in college. I feel like it was yesterday that I held you in my arms after you were born. It’s almost surreal how quickly time has flown by. One moment you were kicking me like a damn soccer ball. Next minute you’re graduating high school and going to your auntie’s alma mater.

Which btw your auntie and I are soooo soooo proud of you for going there!! It warms every bit of my heart that you are going into media, film and television. I giggle and cheese every time I think about it. My friends tell me (of course I talk about you) all the time how it’s utterly amazing the connection we have without having said one word to each other.

I pray all of your dreams and aspirations come true baby girl. I pray you’re having fun filled day full of love, laughter, joy and perhaps a few presents. However, please don’t forget to study for your class(es) tomorrow.

Love you always and forever,

Mami

Conversations with My Brother: Part Deaux

My brother is probably the most stubborn bullheaded person I know which somewhat says a lot cuz I’m an overly stubborn person.

But sometimes he can be so completely asinine with his stubbornness. I call it the Cartman Complex. Certainly you guys have watched South Park before right? The little fatty who’s so completely rude, self-centered and diabolical to everyone. The one who screams “respect my authoritah.” Is it ringing a bell now? No? Let’s look at exhibit A.

Now?! Thought so.

I love my brother dearly but my brother often tries to make his daughters do and be what he would like them to be. The youngest will be graduating from high school next year. She, my brother and I were on the phone about two weeks ago and she explained to my brother than she’d like to go to a HBCU. I’m thinking oh heeeeey that’s great. She even said she was thinking about being a lawyer which again made me oh so proud. I’d be proud anyway but that is beside the point.

Here I was trying to be supportive and offer advice and whatnot buuuuuuuuut my brother wasn’t having any of that. He even went as far to say that she wasn’t going out-of-state for school. Sigh here we go.

I say let her decide where she wants to go. But my brother doesn’t want the girls to be too far from him which I understand but he’s being unreasonable. Lemme explain.

When I say he is dead set against youngest going anywhere outside of California, I mean he was pitching a damn fit. Every time she mentioned a school outside of Cali he made sure to say no you not going to that school. But why I’d ask. What’s wrong with any of the schools she’d mention? His only answer was they not in California.

The fuck?! That’s not a reasonable excuse. But it was the only one he needed to know and hear. I know I’m not the one paying for her education but I seriously dislike the fact my brother is being such a royal pain about it. It isn’t fair to make your kid live the life you did or wanted to live. The girls don’t have all the same interests as my brother obviously but at the same time I ish he was more open to hear what they have to say about how they live their lives.

Again I’m not paying for their education nor do I have children or understand what go s into raising a child much alone two very head strong young ladies who’d I’m sure would give me a run fa all my little scruples. Nonetheless I do hope my brother comes around a bit and will be open to listening to my niece instead of exercising his Cartman Complex.
Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee 

Dearest Daughter: Happy 15th Birthday!

Dearest Daughter,

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Were you up all night waiting for the stroke of midnight to come? I’m sure you were. I mean you my kid for the love of all things wonderful and self-centered on one’s birthday.

I remember this day like it was just yesterday and not 15 years ago.

It was a Friday afternoon. I went to class and work that day. I wasn’t feeling well so I asked my boss if I could leave early. Thankfully, let me go because I was not good for anybody’s full work day. I walked back to my dorm and proceeded to try to relax. What happened next was the beginning of a very long afternoon.

One minute I’m going to the restroom… The next minute I was frantically calling your aunt who didn’t pick up her phone and running downstairs to the lobby to get someone to call an ambulance because apparently you decided you wanted to make presence known that day. But unfortunately for both of us, my cervix wasn’t dilating and I was losing a lot of blood. And I was scared and alone. Well not so alone because my RA Dominique was with me. She rode with me and was in labor and delivery with me.

Anyway they prepped me for surgery. You were to be born via Cesarean section. I didn’t want that. I DID NOT WANT TO BE CUT OPEN! But it didn’t matter what I wanted. You needed to come that day at that time. So I let go and let God.

I remember when they gave me the epidural shot.

I remember seeing my RA’s face and the anesthesiologist talking to me about what was happening and how I might feel during and after everything was done.

I remember hearing your sweet cry and saying he’s here and the doctor saying no she’s here. I was so mad at you for tricking me into thinking you were a boy and not a girl. See you had your thumb between your legs when I had the ultrasound done. Sneaky little imph you.

I remember when I held you for the first time. I remember my friend Flo calling you mohawk because you had the cutest little curly mohawk with a head FULL of hair when you were born.

Everything about you was absolutely P E R F E C T.

The three days I got to spend with you changed my life completely. How I wish I listened to my heart and not my selfish mind. I never should have let you out of my sight. I never should have….

I never should have stopped fighting for you. But I wanted you to have more. Be more. Be provided more.

With that said, I hope and pray to God you have had an interesting and wonderful life so far. I hope that you receive and become everything you’ve ever hoped for and then some.

I love you so much my sweet sweet baby.

Happy happy birthday!!

Love, Mami 😘

Dearest Daughter: 14 More Days

Dearest Daughter,

It’s officially your birthday month.

I can’t believe it’s already September. I also can’t believe that your cousin Olivia, who is a year and 14 days older than you, turned sixteen today. Ugh I feel like you girls were born just yesterday. Time has flown by so incredibly fast.

So since it’s officially 14 days until your birthday and you’re my child, you started your birthday countdown two or three months ago with monthly reminders in case anyone wants to plan ahead for presents.

I really don’t have much to say today baby girl but I miss you more and more as your birthday nears. I wish, as always, I could… Well I wish… I wish everything! You’re my heart and soul. My everything! I wonder daily what life would be like if… I suppose coulda woulda shoulda.

I love you immensely. I want you to know that. I also want you to know that no matter what it’s you and me kid.

 

Te amo mucho mucho mucho

Mami 😘

Conversations with My Brother

My oldest brother called me the other night.

it isn’t out of the ordinary for us not to talk for weeks or months at a time. I have the same sort of relationship with one of my sisters. Months will go by and one of us will call or text and it’ll feel like we just talked the day or two days before. No time lost whatsoever.

But the phone call I received the other night wasn’t entirely one of those conversations. My brother is going through some thangs. Of course these unexpected life obstacles aren’t anything my brother and sister in law have not gone through before. There have been lays off. Odd jobs. Bills needing to be paid. My brother acting like a complete asshole cuz apparently that family temper is in ALL of us.

My brother is a fighter. My sister is his ride or fucking die. And yet my brother still feels an enormous void in his heart. He misses his younger siblings. He misses us to the very core of his soul. He loves us more than he can even explain. I can’t explain enough how much my brother yearns for family. He yearns to have his daughters have a relationship with their auntie and uncles. He yearns to be able to call our little brothers and shoot the shit. He yearns to be able to knock me around like most asinine asshole older brothers do. He wants to be included in our lives. And while that’s great and all, we both know that at the end of the day it might just be me and him.

See my younger brothers, as much as I love them too, don’t always acknowledge they have older siblings. Sigh it isn’t anything I can explain or comprehend the who what when why ano how of where the possibility of having a solid sibling relationship even went. But hearing my oldest brother cry like a baby about needing that relationship and that bond really hurt. Not because he made me feel less than important on the sibling totem pole but because I’ve felt that same sentiment all my life.

I’ve mentioned before that my younger siblings grew up differently than my oldest brother and I. It’s not their fault. Nor is it the fault of their mom. It just happened that way. My step mom is a talented and accomplished singer. She fought hard for her career and to be where she is now in life. I get that wholeheartedly and I hope to God she continues to have a rewarding career and life.

But there’s always a damn but as often as my younger brothers talked to my oldest brother while they were growing up…. As much as they spent time together… As little time as it takes the guys to get to each other’s house today… They don’t reach out to the oldest and I. And that pains my oldest brother to no utter end. It pains him to be and feel “alone.” It pains him to be going through life’s trials and tribulations without them or even me.

I wish I could make my younger brothers understand how my older brother and I feel. I wish so many things for my brothers and I that I cannot make come true because I’ve come to grips with the fact that I can’t make my brothers get along with each other or with me. I can’t force my younger brothers to be our brothers in actuality and not in name. I just can’t. I can hope and pray that one day they’ll want us around but until that day comes if it E V E R fucking comes all I really have is hope and all my oldest brother has is me which in my opinion is the best option he got.

Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee