You’re going to think I’m weird but I long to have some sort of sibling rivalry with my brothers. I have two brothers and my heart yearns to be more than just the sister from our old man’s second wife. The oldest and I have a pretty strong relationship but it isn’t what I’ve always hoped it to be. And well my relationship with the youngest is nonexistent. So nonexistent that I couldn’t even tell you anything about his favorite things. So nonexistent that I hardly even exist.
Am I crazy for wanting this well deserved relationship with my brothers? Am I crazy for getting jealous of my friends who have siblings they can fight with on the regular?
Lemme backup for a second.
I have two sets of siblings.
First set is composed of my two brothers in California. All of us have different mamas.
Yep the old fucker was a hoe.
The second set is composed of friends who I’ve been blessed to have in my corner for YEARS now.
And while the second of siblings and I are the real deal Holyfield, I still want something meaningful with my blood related brothers. I still desire to be involved in their lives. To know when they’re in trouble. To shoot da shit with them randomly. To have that “member when we kids” conversation. I’m asking for too much huh? We’re all too old now and I just dunno if that’s in the cards for us.
It’s so hard to even talk to them about this because my brothers don’t even talk to each other and they live in the same state maybe an hour or two away from each depending on the routes. Don’t get me wrong; my brothers are great, handsome and intelligent men. But uuuuhhhh they’re also equally stubborn and hard-headed.
Family trait gone wrong if you ask me.. The oldest has an “obey my au-thor-ti” Cartman complex. Lawd he enjoys the oldest sibling and grandchild role a little too much. The youngest is young and stupid. You can’t tell him anything because well the youngen thank he know e’rythang.
**rolling my eyes** my brothers are such BOYS!
Part of me almost feels like that because the we were raised so differently, trying to find a happy medium for all of us would be difficult. Yes I know it’s probably not even my job to do but my heart is so heavy. I miss them more than anything yet I’ve never really spent more than a few hours with either of them. Is that weird? That I can love my brothers soooooo very much but don’t know them on a personal deeper level. That their well-being weighs heavy on my heart. That they’re safe, sound and healthy.
The fact of this very strange desire to have some sort of sibling rivalry is the fact that I don’t want something to happen to any of us and it be too late to say hey bruh (or sis) i love you more than you’ll ever know. Yeah that sounds sappy and mushy but too often families are separated over something stupid. Too often it’s too late before they ever come together again or even the first time. I’m tired of wasting time. I’m tired of waiting for both of them to grow a fucking pair just so I can have the relationship I so rightfully deserve because again I didn’t choose to move to Texas.
I didn’t ask the old fucker to poke around with three different broads and have a child with each so that his kids would be estranged later in life.
I never asked for any of it. Yet I’m the one hurting. I know my oldest brother feels the need to be responsible for the family but he has his own shit to deal with. Fuck we all do! But what can we do if no one makes the effort to make things better?
Imagine there was no tomorrow
Imagine that I couldn’t see your face
There would be no limit to my sorrow
’cause there’s nothing that could fill that space
I don’t wanna put it off for too long
I didn’t say all that I had to say
I wanna take my time and right the wrong before we get to that place
Thanks for reading…
The Southern Yankee